Then, one day, she decided to design a life she loved. ♥

Two years, damn. It's so awesome to realize that I havent' drank in over two years. I read thru some of my writings over the past two years and it made me teary eyed... I've changed so much. My heart, my spirit, my confidence. Two years ago I was so out of it mentally and spiritually. I was literally just a shell. I would try and control my drinking to a few glasses of wine a night, those two glasses lead me to tears and heart ache every time. It was the most terrible feeling. I remember feeling scared, so friggin scared inside.  God, those mornings were the worst. The way I felt inside my soul was literally like death was slowly settling in. I remember, crying because I didn't understand how or why I felt the way I did. Nobody else around me appeared to be suffering. I'd have flashes of my mother go thru my mind, which felt like a sword also went thru my soul. As soon as her image entered my mind, I was an emotional wreck. The tears and fears always started to surface when this happened. I would panic because my baby brother and sister had been ripped out of my life. My daughter was angry because she witnessed my suffering and her heart was broken over the loss of her grandma.. Every single emotion that I never ever wanted to feel would show up when I partied, it was so horrible. Today however things are different. I'm really proud of myself as I sit here and reflect on my journey these past couple of years. This relationship that I have with the big G is so amazing. He's taught me to trust, something that is very hard for me to do. He's given me the ability to trust myself and the confidence to know that I've got this thing we call life. Over the past two years I was able to finally say good bye to my mother, get full guardianship of my sister, and deal with my mothers estate. Thru my self realization, I no longer feel scared and alone. The Big G has entered my heart and held my hand. When suffering entered my body, he gave me the calmness and courage to handle my demons. I don't panic anymore, I don't have break downs, I don't feel scared. For the most part I feel present, and alive. My dreams have come back and so has my hope. I'm available for others because I take care of me. I've learned my boundaries and I try hard to stay true to those feel good places. I'm truthful in my words and actions. I don't care if you like me or not because I love me. It's so awesome to be free from the feelings that kept me locked up for nearly 30 years. For anyone that may read this who can relate... if you're suffering right now I would encourage you to find Jesus. Hit your knees and pray. Keep leaning on him and trusting him. Your life will change...... Mine did!

I rebuilt my home on a foundation of Dreams!

18 more days until I finally hit the stage and showcase my HARD work.. I can honestly say that when I embarked on this adventure to becoming the next Fitness Pro with The WBFF,  I had no idea what I was getting myself into. My life has always been busy, but the past six months have been insane. I’ve found myself constantly questioning my motives, my intentions, my desires, my fears, my willingness to do WHATEVER it takes to get my physique in perfect shape.

HOWEVER, whatever it takes has been an internal battle over the past six weeks. The closer that I get to show time, the more my heart aches to be in the gym training with my coach and teammates. However, I have a full time career in radio, which is fast paced, stressful and a very demanding environment. So, my workouts with my team are literally an hour, and then I’m back in the fast lane.  Then I hit the gym on my own for cardio…  Along with my 50+ work weeks, I’m raising my little sister (16) and I have my daughter who’s (14).  Yes, I have TWO teenage girls! Our lives are nothing short of OUTRAGEOUS!

Many people ask why? That’s a very complex question, that I’m going to answer simply. We lost my mother to breast cancer. After experiencing severe depression and lost motivation. I needed to prove to  myself that I could do this. So, in 2011 I decided that I was going to train for a fitness competition.  Thankfully God placed my amazing coach Doug Casebier in my path. He also, lead me to my wonderful sponsor West Coast Nutrition Roseville. Without the support from both of them, this journey would have been nearly IMPOSSIBLE.

April 28^th is right around the corner. My passport has arrived, my plane ticket has been purchased, my hotel is book’d,  my suits are completed and my team wear is going to IMPRESS the judges.. After all the tears, sweat and sacrifice, I’m honored that I will be able to share my journey with The WBFF and the amazing people who’ve been following me on my journey.

My ultimate goal is to share my story of a family that has overcome heartbreak with the loss of our mother,  and rebuilt our home on a foundation of Dreams!

Much Love to you all,

Jess

My thirsty spirit lead me to meditation. YUM!

I don’t even know where to start from the last time I posted on here. Things are moving so quickly in my life right now. I’m currently 8.5 weeks out from my show in Quebec Canada. I started my new job with CBS Sacramento and I’m also managing my own business focused on Social Media Marketing.  In addition to raising my girls and the daily adventures of raising teenage girls bring… Sometimes, I can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed..

It’s so important for me to strive for balance in my life. I know that life is never fully balanced, but I want to be grounded body, mind and spirit.. At this point in my life I’m thirsty for food that fuels my spirit. With that has come a lot of letting go and getting rid of. It’s absolutely baffling to me, how many un-healthy relationships, habits, and simple things that I did on a regular bases that was so ICKY for my spirit.. Crazier than realizing it, was the craziness that letting people go created. Growing can be painful sometimes, especially when you’re letting go of the pain. If that makes any sense at all. lol

If you can imagine this past weekend left me feeling pretty run down. Training is pretty intense combined with the strict diet and long days…. You can only go FAST for so long before you come to a soaring STOP.. I decided it was time to revamp the batteries and attend my second mediation class. So, after boot camp with my teammates and coach, I rushed to a 2 hour meditation workshop to accomplish quieting my mind. Unfortunately, my friggin mind was running at full throttle and it was hard to get her still. The workshop was amazing in every aspect; the sad part is my realization that this was the first time in months where I sat down and just let myself be. No demands of my job, kids, family, training, home, relationship, friends…. Just two hours of internal reflection. Let’s just say the voice inside was screaming at me.

What do you do when your inner voice is screaming? Figure out why she’s screaming so damn loud. I immediately reached out to my spiritual advisor after mediation was complete, and asked if I could have her time 1:1. Thankfully, I start this internal learning process and growth with an amazing advisor. I’m really excited to learn life tools on how to channel negative energy and thoughts. And how to facilitate and nurture dreams and growth. I believe when I get my mind quiet and my spirit aligned my inner voice will be whispering loving words. I also believe that my dreams will come true.

In the meantime, I will continue moving forward on this journey to the WBFF. I hope that I’m able to accomplish my goal of winning my pro card. I’m even more excited to chase my bigger dreams that start with this stepping stone. Something inside me tells me that I have a powerful message to share with the world. The exciting part is I’m present in the journey on how I share it.

Here’s to quieting the mind and accomplishing dreams.

~Jess

AFTER A LONG DAY!

When in Doubt………..Follow your heart and shut off your mind!

Phhhhhhhhewwww. 11 weeks til Quebec Canada.. I’m so excited, and overwhelmed. I’m finding it really difficult training twice a day, working 8-10 hours and taking care of my family. The emotional high and lows of my day are pretty crazy as well. Today for instance, started with a team huddle required by Coach… All of us had to be at the gym at 5:15a… That meant waking up at 4:00a for me. L Is it worth it… YES… But, it does take a lot of dedication, focus and determination to stay the course. 

I started my new job with CBS three weeks ago. I love being in radio, but boy oh boy do I have my work cut out for me. In a perfect world I wish I could just train my heart out for the next 11 weeks and then come back to reality. I’m a little envious of the girls that get to do that. However, my story and journey is about overcoming… and my hope is to motivate and inspire those women who feel like they simply don’t have enough time.. Single moms especially! 

I’ve found myself filtering thru a lot lately. The further into my training and dieting the less I’m capable of taking on. Especially, negativity. I’m super sensitive to it. It doesn’t surround my world too much, but there are certainly a few people who’ve GOT TO GO! I swear, the more you develop your physical form into what your heart desires, the more you get people who tell you you can’t, you won’t, or subject you to a world where others are constantly judging you. This is what happens when others don’t follow their hearts desires and dreams. They unconsciously participate in trying to ruin yours.  Pretty sad if ya think about it. This is the realization of a powerful person… When you believe with everything you are, that you are capable of living your wildest dream, you will. Nothing can stop a heart with a burning desire. 

As I prepare for this beautiful but crazy adventure, I can’t help but to feel a little mixed on how I feel. Instead of staying in my head and listening to doubt, I’m choosing to follow my heart!

Quebec Canada, here I come!

Random...

Training is going awesome. I absolutely love the fellowship of women that I get to train with five days a week. Each one brings their own unique story… My coach Doug held a health seminar on Saturday and Sunday that covered everything from nutrition to posing. It was nice to meet teammates that live out of the state.. Our girls are looking AWESOME. I can’t wait to watch everyone rock the stage this year.

So, I’m offically 17 weeks out from my show in Canada.. This show will drastically change the dynamics of my fitness career… and I’m very excited for the experience and journey.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the past couple years. I’ve grown so much internally these past two years.. I’ve found some amazing mentors and friends. I feel like I have a lot of love around me right now, and I’m very grateful for this. I’m also really grateful that my coach is allowing me to have Team Wink train under him. My girls are on fire right now, and I love the energy they bring to our gym.

I should have some new photos from my photo shoot with Noel Daganta. It was a real treat being able to shoot with Noel. Super nice guy. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002420591414&ref=ts#!/daganta

I have some really exciting news to share next week.. I’ve been humbling myself to some things taking place in my life right now.  It feels good to be present in the experience.

Last time I competed was in 2007 the year I lost my mom to breast cancer.  I’ve been aching to get back on stage. For me, for my girls and for my mom…. I believe this is a beautiful way to honor my mother. Going pro in her memory makes my heart happy.

Thank you everyone for your support on my journey… I hope my story inspires all of you to follow your calling in life… To be happy, fullfilled and surrounded by abundance of LOVE.

XOOX JESS

Physically Fit Made Me Spiritually Fit

I found myself in a slump because of situations out of my control.

I felt like I had hit the ultimate low point in my life.

I just wanted to feel better and reduce stress. I wanted to reconnect with myself and love myself.

 What did you do to accomplish this? I got back into balance with exercise and started training for a competition.

We all know the benefits of working out for our bodies. But do you realize the benefits it provides to our mind and spirit? I once read. “A Vigorous 5 mile walk will do more good for an un-happy, but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.” Paul Dudley American physician and cardiologist. No wonder why training to the extreme changes my entire being.

In the past few years I have experienced an overwhelming amount of transitions. With the recent death of my mother and the responsibility of raising my 15 year old sister, my life changed quickly. As a result my spiritual world shut down, which lead to a collapse of my physical world. In the past, I had always exercised, yet over the past four years, I’d been so consumed with sadness, chaos of losing my mom, the stress of my career and the challenges of raising two teenage girls. I simply stopped doing the one thing I loved. .. working out. In September of 2011, I crossed paths with my coach Doug Casiber. On that same day, I made a promise to myself that I’d compete in 2012 with the WBFF.

Since September, I’ve attended training with my coach consistently. Our workouts turned out to be dramatic support for the changes before me, and helped me manage the daily ups and downs of life. My coach is one of the most enthusiastic, down to earth, motivational people I have ever known. As he trained me, I found myself following every movement as he spoke words of hope to me.

“You are not defined by where you are now, but by the path you are taking.” He’d say when I’d be exhausted from the double day workouts.

“Get rid of all negativity,” he insisted, urging me to push harder and lift heavier than I thought possible.

“Do NOT quit,” he would shout as I lay exhausted on the floor.

Do you know how many times I cried after leaving training? At times I would wear my hat low to hide the tears of an alligator. For some reason training brought up memories; the day my daughter was born, the day my mother died... Training also brings up my fears. My fear that life was moving quickly, and I needed to get back on board.

At that time, everything seemed so overwhelming. But, I knew that God was in control of my endeavors. After all he had brought me to this coach, and this coach lit the fire in me to compete again. 

When I looked around me in the gym, I saw others struggling too. A guy who had just filtered thru major betrayal of friends, another who was living thru a rocky marriage, and a woman who was fighting for her life free of cancer. I also noticed that with every squat, push up, and step up I could tell their strength was increased, and so was their happiness. Just as mine had been.

As I have stayed strong and consistent in my training, my stress level has melted away. With each training session I learn more about me, and I feel stronger, healthier and happier. By getting back to the gym and training vigorously for my competition, I have a renewed sense of strength and purpose. I’m able to adapt more easily to my ever changing circumstances. Most importantly, I’m a better mother, sister and friend.

In essence, make time for regular physical exercise. If you’re anything like me you’re time deprived, right? Shoot we all are. Treat your training like an appointment. Write it on your calendar, type it into your phone, and you’ll be more likely to accomplish your health and wellness goals. Find a team to train with. It’s priceless to have the support from a team.

So what’s on the agenda for 2012? We’ll I’m excited to hit the stage as a WBFF fitness competitor and model. I’m thankful for the balance that I’ve learned along the way. There are a lot of things that I’m working thru in my training both physically and spiritually. But, for now let’s keep my vision for 2012 simple.  I’ll start with accomplishing my Diva Fitness Pro card on April 28th, and then I’ll focus on becoming the Diva Fitness Model World Champ. BOOM.

Crazy GOOD!

This day has been crazy busy, as my days usually are. Started the day off with a great training sesh with my TBA teammate Liz, and our Coach Doug…. He had us working on the details today… My legs were on fire… My brother and daughter joined us too… I love when they workout with me too.. I see little champions in the making… And I don’t mean that directed towards the fitness industry.. I mean in general.. They’re pretty awesome people.

So, the exciting part of my day. I have been working very hard on finding some companies to partner with and Sponsor me for my 2012 competition year. After several conversations, I was able to meet with the owners of a great establishment here in Sacramento… I then was able to get them to meet with my coach and I this afternoon… The meeting went AWESOME…. However, nothing was finalized when we departed. My coach and Nikki carried the conversation on as they traveled over to Nikki’s store.  I scrambled to pick up my lil sister from school, and was full of excitement as I awaited a follow up call.  
Directly after taking the kiddos home, I was already in a conference call with one of my teammates Keri, talking about marketing concepts and how we can help our teammates get their name branded in the fitness community. I love my talks with Keri, she’s a go getter, and very business savy… In the middle of our conversation one of my old managers was calling on the other line. When I was done talking to Keri I called him back immediately… He called to see how I was, and shared with me some things that I needed to hear at the exact moment. He told me that I was awesome, and that I’m an asset for the people I work with and thru. Crazy how God will make our phones ring at the most random moments,  with the one person who can deliver a message that we EXACTLY  need!!! Today, I learn to say thank you and acknowledge these wonderful blessings…
By this time, I’m running 10 minutes behind my meeting with my business partner.. HOLY MOLY.. I’m exhausted by now! (Did I mention that I’m living off bell peppers, egg whites, and chicken for my photo shoot with Noel Daganta on Jan 15) http://www.facebook.com/#!/daganta.. So, back to business. I’ve got my business partner ready to roll out some web designs for our new company that we started about two weeks ago.. “Wink Marketing” http://www.teamwink.com/   We’re crazy busy already…. Sitting there, I felt so grateful again… We knock out three hours of work, and then I’m off and running back to the kiddos to cook dinner.. We sit down to eat, and I begin to feel a little sadness come on, as it’s my last night with my little brother.  In my home we sit down at the dining table when we eat, and before our meals everyone shares what they’re thankful for… Of course, I show gratitude for the time we’ve had with my brother.. Immediately, I can see everyone’s heart sink… UGH!! The kids each share what they’re thankful for… Again, I’m feeling an overwhelming since of peace and gratitude for my life, and for this time I have with my kids. (daughter, sister, brother)
Note, I’m still re-visiting my sponsorship opportunity and with this company in my head… I’m now going crazy with the anticipation.. TICK TOCK ALREADY!
I end the night by attending a spiritual group that I always do on Thursdays. I was able to see some new faces, which I was excited about. I always leave feeling like God went into my heart and gave her a big kiss…  
On my way home… GUESS WHAT.. I see that I have voicemail… It’s confirmed I have an official sponsor for my 2012 competition year… So, I start singing on the car ride home.. “ I’m so excited, I just can’t hide it, I’m about to lose control and I think I like it.” By this time I’m pretty sure my daughter thinks I’ve lost it..  I can’t wait to make the official announcement tomorrow….
Crazy GOOD.. That’s how I’ll sum up this day! I wish it wasn’t so late.. I want to call someone and tell them..
Good night… xoox

I believe that I'm a miracle................

I've been raising my little sister for over a year and half now... Having my little brother here visiting this week has encouraged me to reflect on our lives since my mom passed away.. So much pain has been filtered into our lives when my mom died. She had breast cancer and lost her battle..I think she was afraid of dying. My mom never completed a Will before she passed. I believe that she didn't want to do that because it meant that she was accepting death.. I'm certain that she was scared and in fear of what would happen to our family, especially my younger siblings.

 For a couple years after her death, a massive war followed. Everyone had an opinion of how they wanted things to go, an opinion of how it should be... For obvious reasons, I was suffering deeply after my mom passed. Being in such a weak state of mind and spirit, I let a lot of events take place that shouldn't have. With that came more suffering, because I was compounding my pain with guilt.. I allowed people to manipulate me and make me feel like I was inadequate, and incapable of taking care of the responsibilities that I should of. I believe part of this is because I come from a small town... So in a lot of ways I felt like a little kid, who was being told what to do by a community of people that had no place dictating my future. But, because I lived in fear and sadness, I felt like I had no voice. So I've kept quit for four years, struggling with all this emotion and pain. Part of being healthy means that you are doing the exercises internally to feed your spirit. When I work out, I’m releasing a lot of pain and fear. It’s a key component to helping me along on my spiritual journey.  

 Everything has been so difficult since my mom died. I have had to encounter and overcome an ongoing court battle over events that are un-necessary. ... Demands that other people have had.. Entitlements that have been created by the illusionary ego that so many people are living in.

 My brother sister and daughter are rolling around laughing and having an awesome time as I write this.. They're being kids as they should be. And, I'm trying to avoid tears... Tears of happiness , because I’m finally realizing that we are going to be ok.  If you would have talked to me two years ago.. I was emotionally and spiritually in a completely different space.. I was broken and hopeless. I was fearful and uncomfortable with my life and my place in it. Simply put I was empty.

 Today, I'm very thankful that I get to raise my little sister.. I was so scared when she first moved in with me. I was full of fear... But today, I'm not fearful of our lives. I'm not fearful when I think about her future... I don't fear anything anymore... What changed you ask? I didn’t want to feel alone anymore.. I didn’t want to cry anymore.. I didn’t want any more pain. So, I got down on my knees and I prayed.

 I believe that I'm a miracle..........

Always on the GO!

Being a single mommy can be so challenging.. I've got my agenda for my day, and it never matches the demands of my two children... I'm sure that some of you can relate.. Do you every have to be in multiple locations at the same time? This is one of the many different stresses that parenting is.. It's how to be everything to your children, while nurturing yourself and being all you can be to yourself... I struggle with this a lot. I was telling my Coach Karen this morning. I really want to motivate women who feel like they can't take an hour out of there day for just them... I remember feeling bad or allowing others to make me feel guilty for taking time during my day for me. Today is a good example of this. My little brother is in town for a week... My daughter is at home.. Both are demanding. My brother wanted to train with me, and I wanted to train with him.. I had meetings directly after my training sesh, so I could have made an excuse as to why I couldn't train today... However, I told the kids to pack a lunch and to bring something to keep them busy for an hour, so they too could get there training in too. In my home it's not a choice its a life style.. If I give up my time for me during the day, the result typically always ends negatively. Why? Because I don't feel good on the inside, because I didn't take time in my day for me. You see, when I hit the gym with my coach, I'm there to clear my head and work on me.. Internally just as much as externally... Of course it feels great to look great.. But, there is nothing that feels better than actually FEELING great on the inside...

For me I have to constantly remind myself that I have set a goal for myself (my show in April) And no matter what,  I'm going to accomplish my goal...I deserve to do that for me. This doesn't mean that I can't be a good mother and sister. It just means that I learn how to be creative as I accomplish this goal.. And I incorporate my children into it...

Time to run.... Schools, out and I need to pick up my sis... always on the tho GO, I tell ya.

2012...........Is off to a GREAT start...

My name is Jessica Winkelhausen.. This is my blog where I'll capture my journey, as I train for my first fitness competition with the WBFF on April 28, 2012! I'm a mother to my beautiful daughter who's 14... I'm also raising my amazing little sister who is 15... I lost my mother when I was 27, to breast cancer... It has been the most devastating event in my life. It's caused a lot of pain, which has resulted in tremendous inner growth. Watching my foundation die from something so ugly, has forever changed my way of living, feeling, loving... It's simply changed who I am. I've always been into working out... But in my 20's it was more so to "look good." My health and wellness today is fueled by a passion deep within.. Perhaps even a little fear resonates in some of my soul. As I truly do fear cancer! I want to do everything in my being to ensure that I'm the healthiest version of me. On my journey I hope that my story will motivate survivors, mothers, women, professionals, athletes, and ordinary people.

Here's my offical Bio, to help kick off my journy...

Born April 6th, 1980 in sunny San Diego Ca, Jessica Winkelhausen discovered her love for athletics when she started training for gymnastics. After moving to Etna California, Jessica joined gymnastics club program known as Tumble Town. Flipping and dancing around the gym starting in 6th grade she began her competitive gymnastics career.

Along with practicing gymnastics, Jessica danced jazz, tap... and ballet choreographed acrobatic dance routines and traveled long distances as an all around gymnast. By 1991, Jessica was one of Etna’s most decorated gymnasts, earning a spot at Bela Karolyis summer camp in Houston Texas. During that summer Jessica trained alongside the United States top professional gymnasts.

After giving birth to her daughter Brionna Wiman, Jessica knew that her next goal was to accomplish training for her first figure competition. After moving to Chico to obtain her education Jessica graduated with her Bachelor degree in Criminal Justice with a minor in global issues. Jessica’s plan was to then pursue a career with the FBI relocating her to the east coast! However, several days before her graduation ceremonies from California State University Chico, Jessica’s mother informed her that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer! One word, DEVASTATED! Jessica immediately switched gears and decided to pursue a career with Intel Americas in 2004, keeping her close to her mother.

Jessica accomplished her first NPC state pro figure competition in 2004, competing in Contra Costa California. Jessica took 6th place! Her achievements have caught the attention of several publications. She was published in several fitness forums and publications such as Oxygen magazine, Miss Fitness USA magazine, and Health and Fitness online. Jessica was Miss April in Northern California’s Sports and Hunting calendar in 2007. Jessica went on to compete in the 2007 NPC Sacramento Pro Figure competition placing 7th.

2007! The year that drastically changed Jessica's entire life. Her mother lost her battle to breast cancer. Jessica remembers it like it was yesterday. Jessica NEVER thought that her mom would die from this.. After three days in a coma, her mother died in her arms. Jessica said there are "simply NO words to describe how heart broken I felt, how heart broken I still am. It’s scary as hell being a mom without having a mom to guide me. It’s devastating to watch someone you love die from something so ugly." Living through her mothers death, Jessica knew that health and fitness would be her life’s work. Jessica has been blessed with raising her 15 year old siter since her mothers death.

Jessica struggled with depression for a LONG time. She felt hopeless! If it wasn’t for her passion and love for the gym, she believes that her sadness would have filtered thru more areas of her life, for longer amounts of time.. Even the days that she didn’t feel like getting out of bed, she admits that she did at least drag herself to the gym…Thus, the reason Health and Wellness are a huge part of who Jessica is.

Jessica is giving you a glimpse into her life for multiple reasons. She's very passionate about sharing her story on how to maintain being sexy, healthy, beautiful and fit. Especially, to all you women who are moms, wives, career women, busy women. Jessica hopes that her story motivates the hearts of all women... and guys too.

Jessica is a nationally certified Personal instructor, group exercise instructor, figure and fitness competitor, fitness writer and model. She maintains a career in radio, is a full time mother and sister. Jessica is also very active in her community. It is Jessica’s aim to continually educate herself in the field of women’s health and fitness so that she may be a resource to others. Jessica demonstrates that ANYTHING is possible.

Jessica lives by these words; "In this life, I want to give back, more than I ever take."