Bittersweet!

It wasn’t’ long ago that I had found myself in a place of spiritual suffering. Nothing in my life made sense, and the one person who had life talks with me was gone. It was extremely painful and dark for a couple of years.

After becoming so exhausted from the suffering, sadness, emptiness and hopelessness that I was experiencing. I started to explore life’s bigger questions. “What is my purpose?” “Who am I?” As I started to ask these questions, I quickly found myself researching and calling spiritual advisors, pastors and Buddha’s. I was desperate for spiritual life and was completely open to receiving guidance in whatever form that came to me. I just wanted to be freed from the hell I was living in.

Today, minutes before I walked into another un-known spiritual “interview”, with questions pertaining to my life, and questions about my mom, I became very anxious. I kept thinking really Jess, eight years later and you are going to sit and ask a stranger (a medium who came to me highly recommended) to help me with questions pertaining to moms death and life after all the dust settled. Yes, I sure am, I thought.. and I wiped my tears away, took a deep breath and walked into my appointment.

Let me start by saying this. I did not tell this woman anything about myself. She knew my first name and that was it. About one minute after sitting with her she let me know that my mom was with us. I instantly started to cry. The pain in my chest was so sharp… The next hour was very bittersweet and went a little something like this…..

My mom told me she was sorry that I went through such an ugly court battle after she died. And that she was proud of me for fighting the court for my sister. She also said that she is with my son at night snuggling him and talking to him, and that if we listened we could hear him talking at night. It was her and a grandpa that visits Kayson often. (Grandpa would be my husbands grandpa, which had a huge impact in his life) She commented on how beautiful his eyes are and how when he looks at you, you feel like he sees inside you. For anyone that knows my son… He has the most piercing and beautiful eyes. She told me that she spends a lot of time with me at my studio, and that the mirrors drive her crazy because they never stay clean.  Even though I was crying I also laughed because I am always telling my hubby no matter how much I wash the mirrors they never stay clean. She then proceeded to say that she was excited for me to go on my cruise. She was bouncing back and forth between that and Alaska. I am going on my best friends bachelorette cruise in a few weeks and we lived in Adak Alaska. You could only get to Adak by boat or plane. So we saw a lot of ships while living there. Interesting right? We discussed my siblings and daughter as well. A lot what shared during this time too. She even corrected me saying that she calls my daughter Bre and that she is with her often. She kept mentioning pink flowers and how she was at the zoo with us and loved how Kayson screamed when he saw the big cats.  She also shared that she was happy that I picked my husband. She said that she really likes him and that he loves me and protects me.  Two areas that I really am grateful to have found someone that truly does this for me. She also mentioned that he misses fire fighting and that he was struggling with the politics at work. She spoke about how her funeral was very busy and a lot of people attended. Telling me that she is ok with me spreading her remains. She also confirmed that she was happy that I had her picture at my wedding. (it was in my boutique of flowers) She also kept asking about LA and seemed excited about that. In eight weeks I travel to LA to compete and my theme wear is butterflies with angels, a symbolic way to celebrate her.  Everything that she shared was so specific to events, emotions and life for us right now.

Then Roxy the medium began to speak to me about my soul. She told me that the family issues I have experienced recently are not my problem and that I have not done anything to deserve the behaviors from these people. She continued by telling me that I do not need to fix the situation or own a place in them. She ended by saying she gives me permission to let go of the pain and responsibility to fix it. She confirmed that these people are choosing not to be a part of my sons life or our family. And, that it was time to let it go and move on. I felt so relieved hearing this. Because it has taken up so much energy these past few years trying to figure out how these people can say and act one way, yet completely be another. More so, how they have chosen to neglect my son and abandoned him because of the stories they continue to tell themselves and others. She then touched on my husband’s other son, which I won’t go into detail about because it’s not my place. But, I will say that she confirmed that life would come full circle and the truth would set him free soon.

My take away. For years I have wondered about the events that I have gone through after my mom’s death. I find closure in prayer, meditation and conversations with trusted friends and advisors. But deep down inside me. I needed to have closure to certain events.. Today I was given that. Again, very bittersweet.

My sister and I went through hell after my mom died. Not because of how we treated others but because of how they treated us. Everyone had opinions. Sadly, nobody was there to help us. I constantly told my sister, we will NOT respond to this hate. We will NOT participate in it. I told her we will keep our side of the street clean and walk through it with grace. And we did. My sister who is now 20 can tell you for herself, what this means to her and what kind of quality of life it has taught her. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have felt defeated while going through this. How many times I left work to go home, hit my knees and pray to a God I did not know or even understand while sobbing because of how scared and broken I felt. I needed strength and courage to show up and be a sister and mom even though I wanted to hide under my blankets in bed and never come out again.

Roxy my medium shared that she very rarely sees someone my age that does not have past Karma affecting their current space. Meaning that my side of the street is clean and that my life today is whatever I choose it to be. The universe will deliver to me whatever I ask. She went on to say that I need to be very specific about what my needs are. Although it felt good to hear her say this. I also know that I have spent and continue to spend a lot of time on personal development and spirituality. I know myself very well. I have owned, made amends and most importantly forgiven myself for past mistakes and choices made. I do not have any skeletons in my closet. I have learned that owning my experiences have actually made me very strong, and also helped so many others by doing so.

Now for this last part because I feel so strongly about what I’m going to say… Life is about experiences. It is NOT about what others tell you. Have your OWN experiences. Live and be from a place of TRUTH not a place of OPINIONS. If I could tell you how much bullshit I have heard, seen, and lived through based on the opinions of others concerning topics such as, my husband, marriage, family, kids, career, business, church, friends, hobbies, parenting, children, the car I drive, the house l live in, my wedding ring, where I got married.…. I have learned to live my life by EXPERINCES not OPINIONS. Because if I lived by the opinions of all these critics. I would not have my beautiful husband, business, children, love, happiness, financial freedom, success, health, spiritual balance and so much more. Just like today, I chose to have my own experience with Roxy. I was scared, anxious and uncertain. But, I realize that I deserve to see if this may be something I needed to experience for myself.  I once again realized,  I am not afraid to be me.  I love to explore uncertainties. I have a deep desire for truth, purpose and being.

Today I was empowered by my experience. Although parts are bittersweet. Perhaps I needed to have Roxy tell me today that my guardian angels (she confirmed that I have three) gave me permission to let  go of hate and chaos from outside influences. It is not my job to fix people or let them involve me in there personal pain. And, maybe I needed to be reminded that my life is mine to live as I choose. I gave myself permission to have and receive everything incredible and beautiful that I desire.

As we wrapped up my session, Roxy told me that my mom wants me to know that she loves me and is proud of me. I sobbed a little more.. Wiped my tears as I hugged her goodbye… What just happened I thought.  I met with my business coach right after, briefly told him of my experience and then stayed present for my meeting with him. Afterwards, I went home and loved on my son before I put him down for a nap. I checked on him moments later and found him laying with his hands in prayer asleep with his cross.

Another tear rolled down my cheek and I whispered, Amen!

Lesson of the day: Live in truth, be authentic and explore your spirituality, beliefs and emotions. Live and have your own experiences with life and people.

Love,
Jess

I have learned.............

I can’t believe another year is in the books. Time really does pass so quickly. I do not know why my birthday brings me to a year of reflection. This year it brought me to a lifetime of reflection. It’s funny but my inside self does not have an age. As a matter of fact she hasn’t aged at all. My inside self is just in constant growth.  For me, life makes way more sense in my thirties. Maybe I’m a late bloomer… But, I feel like my thirties are much more enjoyable. I’m not fighting fear, I don’t really care about the opinions of others.. Failure does not scare me. I know and understand my boundaries. Most importantly.. I  know my worth, and I value myself… Anyway, I thought I would share everything that I know as of today.

1.       Life is a beautiful gift.

2.       Almost anything will work, again. You have to unplug, even for a few minutes… This includes you.

3.       I do not believe that anything outside of you can fix you. Not sex, one night stands, alcohol or drugs.  You cannot date or buy this either. It sounds horrible, but this is the truth. Everything you need to heal you is already inside you.

4.       Everyone is messed up, insecure, scared and hopeless. Yes, even the people who look like they have it all together. Even those people are more like you than you may think. You can’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides. Sadly, you can’t fix them, save them, give them a better life or help them get sober either. I have learned that the best thing you can do is learn to love yourself. Happiness radiates into the universe like a breath of fresh air…

5.       Families; hard, so frigging hard. No matter how much you may wish yours to be different, cherish or want it to change. It is what it is. I remember when I use to be embarrassed of my family. We didn’t have a lot, mom was sick, nobody really got along. After losing mom, I realize that it’s a miracle they are even alive. Even if they are annoying. I believe Earth is our school for learning. Forgiveness being one of the hardest lessons to understand. So, start with your own family. Learn to forgive. It really does wonders for your soul.

6.       Writing, do it often. It is therapy for your soul. It’s one place you are safe. Some of my deepest pains have been discovered through pen and paper. My last goodbye to my mother was written after her death. And then burned after reading it to her in heaven.. Your story is your gift to the world. Own everything about you and write about your discovery. It’s really a fascinating adventure.

7.       Grace. It took me a long time to understand what the hell this meant. One of my mentors told me to walk through uncomfortable events with grace and dignity. That was not easy for me to do at first. However, I learned. Mostly through praying.  I learned that God loves Oprah just as much as he loves me, my fiancé and my son. Crazy right? Grace in your soul is what saves you, what heals you. Grace has changed me. It will change you too.

8.       God. It was such a strange uncomfortable topic for me. I wanted to know him, love him and trust in him. However, I had no idea what God was. I found him one night alone... very lonely.  With my great grandmothers rosary in my hand. I have never felt alone since. It took me a lot of uncomfortable moments to find my way to him. Now, I continue to practice my appreciation for him. For my life! I LOVE him. You should too!

9.       Faith. If you do not have faith you do not have anything. Do whatever you need to do. Your life, your soul your entire being is fueled from faith. Once you understand this and walk in it, life will start to bless you with miracles. My life is FULL of miracles.

10.   Exercise. If you want to live a good life you have to exercise.. Nearly everyday. I promise there is no way around this. There is no pill, no supplement, no magical ANYTHING that can give this to you. Ask any doctor!

11.   Second chances. We all get chances. Second, third fourth. It’s up to us to be open to these opportunities to change our life. Our willingness to do something different. Fear paralyzes, some people forever. As I stated first. Life is a gift. Wake up each day refreshed, excited, full of love, faith centered and God driven to be the very best version of you! The world needs this, badly!

12.   Forgiveness. F’ing LAME! That is what I use to think of forgiveness. My mentor told me to pray for the people who have hurt me. I honestly thought she had lost her damn mind. For the longest time I REFUSED to pray for my enemies.. Until, I had realized that I wanted a life differently inside then the one I was living. The only way I could release some of my negative feelings was to do this. It was super awkward and definitely not sincere at first. However,  I am good at this now.. Because I have practiced. Just like anything else you put effort into.. You will become good at it.. Sometimes even GREAT!

13.   Boundaries. They are so damn hard to understand at first. As a matter of fact, I had to read and learn through my mentors what “boundaries” even meant.  And, when I started applying them in my life, they totally pissed people off. Eventually, those people went away forever.. And believe me, that is a good thing. Because it created space for those who would honor, respect and love me. If you want a life that feels good, you must do what is good for you. No explanations, no guilt, no strings attached! DO IT!

14.   Love. You cannot fight it. You need it. Your life is empty without it. Self love is number one. If you do not have this, you cannot truly give love to another. Not a partner, child or friend. Love yourself first, meet your needs and do what you need to feel whole on the inside. NOTHING else matters, or will work if you do not have self love. I promise!

15.   It’s going to be ok. No matter what you are facing right now. No matter how hopeless you may feel. No matter how bad it seems. Everything will be ok. God, Faith, Family and Love.  That’s all you need.  If you do not have this, start working on getting it. The journey will  be tough at first. But, it will not be any tougher than where you are at right now. If you want to change you have to put in the work. Self work. Self love. Yes, everything will be ok when you have this!
 

16.   Death. It’s f’ing heartbreaking. Literally! The people that you want around forever die first. The pain never goes away. EVER! I’ve learned that you are not supposed to get over them. They will always live within you. In your memories and in your heart. Moms been gone for some time now. She still shows up every day, multiple times. Once she even came on her birthday in the form of a butterfly. I swear! However, her absence still makes me breathless, at times lost and almost always home sick. Grief, tears and friends heal you. I once heard that tears will bathe baptize and hydrate you. I believe this now that I have lived it. I know for certain that we are all just passing through here. So, hold onto the ones you love. Tightly…  because these moments do not last forever. It’s hard to understand, but I know this for certain.

Love to you all,
Jess

God gave me a voice

God gave me a voice through my struggles. I did not know what spiritual freedom was until I studied spirituality. I did not know how to sit quietly, until I met with dozens of Buddha's, spiritual leaders and Philosophers. I buried myself in literature about death because I did not understand how I would never see my mother again. I read endless books on self development, boundaries, spirituality and how to create the life you love. I learned to meditate, breath and trust myself. I did not do this until I was forced to. My come to Jesus moment did not happen until after I lost my mother. Her death stripped my soul naked. After her death I lost me and I was on a desperate and heart wrenching journey back to finding myself. What I did not realize is that meant accepting all the things I did not love about me. I greeted my ego, buried my pride and became a spiritual gangster. Mmmhmm. Now I create the life I want, with my dreams, and my visions. I let go of toxic people, and created healthy boundaries. I lost my mother but I refuse to ever lose me.

Change

Change.... It is not easy, and at times seems impossible. But, with a clear vision and intentions you can make ANYTHING you desire become REALITY!! I am so proud of this girl. Yes, she has had a wonderful physical transformation. We can all see that. What you can not see is the woman she has become on the inside. She's walked through a divorce, career change and becoming a single mother while staying accountable to her workouts. She has learned boundaries, built her confidence...

and learned to trust herself. She has made commitments and goals that she has achieved and will achieve. She no longer lives her life for others, but is learning to live her life making herself whole and happy. This is why I love my job. Are you looking for a fitness family? Do you need accountability and a coach?

Vegetarians.....

After accepting that fact that I absolutely can't stand eating meat, I have decided to change my approach to eating.

I have been educating myself on plant based foods. I am kinda digging the change in routine. Who is a vegan/vegetarian? What is some of your favorite protein sources and why? So far mine is sprouted lentils..

After prepping food, Kayson and I went for a nice run...He laughed and giggled the whole way. So we ended our day with smiles, playing hoops and swings. I love this boy!
Ok share your protein sources vegan/vegetarian friends.

Thank you Rea Frey Holguin for the amazing n...utrition plan.

Jess

 

Dear Mom....

Sitting here for a minute, as I get ready to write you a letter in heaven… I’ve immediately started to cry. I have the house to myself tonight. I think I needed this time to be. I’m six months pregnant with your grandson. I’ve cried several times realizing that you aren’t’ here to celebrate his life with me. Driving to my doctors appt. last week had me in tears on the 50, wishing with every ounce of my soul that I could call you and talk to you about Kayson. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with missing you.

Kayson is becoming very active, and responds to stimulation. I’m starting to feel connected to him, and not as scared or reserved as I was at the beginning. I’d be lying if I told you that this has been a wonderful experience. I feel scared sometimes and lonely. I find myself reflecting on my pregnancy with Brionna, and you’re in every memory. You stayed with me for two weeks before she arrived. You were so excited. Austin and sissy were crazy and little. I remember feeling so much better having you there with me. After Brionna  arrived you had to leave the following day. I remember feeling scared and lonely then too. So many memories, so many mixed emotions.

This year Olivia and Austin graduate from high school. It’s been rewarding raising sissy but also very challenging and at times very heartbreaking. I can’t believe the chaos and pain we endured after you died. I still have a heavy heart when I think of the pain that surfaced after your death.

I opened my own fitness and wellness studio a couple months ago. I wish you were here to see it. It’s a creation of missing you. I hope I can help others grow internally by having it.

I found a man that I love deeply, and someone that you’d be happy to have in our family. He's my soulmate and best friend. But, sometimes I feel like living thru my broken heart with you, makes me fear investing my heart into him. I relate your death to so much sadness, despair, hopelessness and deep pain. It scares me to ever have to experience that again. I’m working on walking in faith so that I can have the family I desire and deserve.

I read a letter to you in my journal this evening. I wrote it two months after you died. It made me feel awful. The confusion and heartbreak from your death lead me to a two year severe battle with depression. I didn’t think I’d make it through the pain. I actually recall numerous nights crying myself to sleep, exhausted and willingly giving up. Every morning that I woke up after, I became even more depressed at how sad and sunk in my heart was.

I'm now able to own the the loss I'm left with from losing you. I can express into words how confusing and scared I was to watch you lose your hair, your nails and you ur boobs. How devasting it was the day I came home from college to bring you and the babies grocieres because you didn't have any money. The deep pain I felt for you when you collapsed in my arms sobbing. I understand now, how scared you must have been. And how lonely you were. I had no idea that you knew the entire time you were dying yet you never told us. I admire your strength and courage mom... If I only truly knew.

It’s been six years since you left us. I’ve become wiser, stronger and filled with an endless amount of desire and determination. I have an overwhelming amount of love for my life, and the lives I’m connected to. It took a lot of losses to get here. It took me a lost relationship, devastating experiences with Brionna, a nasty court battle for custody of sissy, the loss of my hometown, losing your home to pay for the awful court battle, the loss of my own home… eventually, I lost me. Every single part of who I was, became unknown. Many nights I sat alone, in silence, heartbroken and scared.. I tried to numb my emotions. Nothing worked.   Eventually, I started to pray. I didn’t even know to who. I just got down on my knees, and I prayed!

There was a time that I use to feel ashamed and embarrassed for grieving your death the way that I did. However, I became a part of several grief management groups, and everyone there was going thru the same emotions as me. It made me feel better knowing that I wasn’t the only one. Everyone who has judged my situation or had an opinion of how I should’ve handled my life, my home, my child and my family… Didn’t have their mother die in their arms… They didn’t hear their mom take her last breath! They didn’t witness young siblings and a daughter that wept in that very moment! It took me nearly three years to break free of that prison, others opinions put me in. GOD does it feel good to be on the other side.

I’ve been living in my home now for five years. We're getting ready to move out this month.  It’s the first home I’ve had since you died. I call it my oasis. I’m actually having a really hard time letting this place go. It’s the only safe place I’ve had since you’ve been gone. I’ve filtered through so many emotions here. I’ve raised sissy here. I’ve rebounded here. I’ve built my life here! I’ve found my love here. I’ve created life here. I’ve had all the kids together here for the holidays, the first time since you’ve died. I’ve created a lot of firsts here.

I can feel this shift in my heart and spirit as I let sissy venture off on her own. I can’t help but think that God had this planned for my life, because he has blessed me with Kayson during this transition… I’ve spent nearly two hours writing this letter to you… I hope you know how much I love you. I can’t help but wonder how this affects Kayson, and if your love is already planted in his little heart.
 
I’m very grateful for a friend that helped me write my first letter to you a few years ago. It took me nearly two weeks to complete. We honored your birthday by going to Folsom Lake. One of the last places we were together before you died. We watched the babies play in the water.. We talked about life. It took me years to visit that place again. As a matter of fact, I attempted it many times but always ended up turning around and leaving because I started to cry. When Jess and I went there to read my letter to you, I could feel you. And the log you and I sat on was still there waiting for me. I sobbed reading the entire letter. That was the first time I actually felt like I got to say good-bye to you.   I remember feeling better. I had so many things I needed to tell you and finally I had. I burnt the letter right after. I’ve taken sissy and Brionna to do the same thing… 

Instead of going to the lake and reading a letter to you. I thought I’d share the process of what it has taken me to heal from losing you. In honor of your birthday and this letter to you. I hope that my honesty can save someone else from feeling alone, sad and hopeless.  I Love you mom!

(holding moms hand when she was in a coma)

(My dad and mom)

(our final days with mom)

(sissy's senior picture)

(Tattoo's Olivia, Brionna and I got in honor of mom)

(Competing in memory of mom)

(moms death date on my costume for my fitness comp)

 

(Brandon and I in the valley, at my favorite spot growing up)

(my little brother's senior picture)

(My daughter)

Ps.... I've been working on sharing my story of overcoming depression in schools and large audiences... Manly because I need to keep you alive so that my heart will continue to heal and my spirit won't feel dead.  We'll today that vision finally came to life. As I started to talk about you... I began to cry. In a full room of people and it became silent and uncomfortable. That is how deeply I love you and how deeply I still miss you. I finally feel like I found my voice... I stood there in complete silence with tears rushing down my cheeks minutes away from sobbing..I had a room full of people staring at me with tears in there eyes. I didn't feel sad, but I was overwhelmed with love. Kayson was kicking inside me, Brionna was sitting in front of me, my soulmate was sitting on the speaking panel with me and two of my close friends where sharing there story of overcoming too. I was in the moment and deeply touched to know, that out of all this pain and suffering a vision and dream was made... In that very moment,  I was living it and feeling it all at once.... 

Belly Gone Wild............

My doctor appointment this week went great.. Baby is doing awesome, and growing…. Baby Kayson now weighs 2lbs and is about 14 inches.. This is comparable to a head of cauliflower. J

I gained 4lbs since my last doctor appt which means I’ve gained 15lbs to date. I’ll be 27 weeks tomorrow. The doctor told me he would like to see me gain between 8-10lbs from now until Kayson’s due date. Aiaiiaiaiaiiai. Kayson has officially gone wild in my belly. Little guy hardly ever stops moving. He also loves hibernating in my ribs and lower back. Not so fun at night time when I’m trying to sleep. I feel like he’s already creating his character and he defiantly  responds to stimulation… ie:  Daddy’s voice, warm showers, and granny smith apples.

Overall, I’m feeling a lot better now.. I’m not working so many hours (12-14 hours per day) so I’m able to focus on my new fitness and wellness studio, in addition to my workouts. I’m also able to rest a little more, which I certainly need.  The doc told me to get in five days of cardio.. So my focus is to accomplish that.

On a funny note, I’ve been FREAKING myself out lately by watching pregnancy videos online. Mainly because it’s late at night and typically when Brandon is working in the ER. I really want to call someone and debrief after I torture myself.. But instead I wait until Brandon comes home, and then I tell him how awful giving birth to a child looks. LOL.

Brandon couldn’t make my last doctors appt, as he was called into work. On my drive, I started to feel somewhat emotional. I’ve been reflecting a lot on where I’m at now vs. when I had my daughter and how dramatically different the two experiences are. My mom was a HUGE part of my pregnancy and daughters life. I suddenly found myself in tears driving down the 50. It was in that moment that I knew, my mom is still SO Missed. For anyone that has lost someone, I’m sure you can relate. It’s hard to talk about losing someone when a few years have passed. I feel like I’m supposed to be over the pain. The reality for me, is that sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday. I can’t help but wonder how happy she would be to have a grandson on the way. I also couldn’t help the tears that flowed, simply because it’s scary going thru this without her.

On another note, I’ve been very focused on my studio and how I can create a business that helps the wellness of others. That’s my passion. Offering guided meditation has been successful and is growing. I’ve also been able to film the trailer for a series that I’ll be speaking on called, “I Am Me.” I’m really excited to see this vision come to life with two amazing and dynamite friends Emily Campoy and Erin Kalte. I can’t wait to share the series with all of you.

Every week during training I give motivational cards to my clients and we share them amongst each other. I also give a daily spiritual workout for them as we finish our training sessions.. It’s been very awesome to see the mental and spiritual growth within, by doing this.

With that I said, I’d like to wrap this blog up with a positive thought to help you all kick off your work week!

I encourage everyone reading this; work to create a life that feels right to YOU, not one that looks right to everyone else.  Your worst inner battle will always be between what you know and what you feel.  One of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make is when to stay put and try harder or when to just take your memories and move on.  Sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you are capable of being, and the person you truly are.

Your life is your message to the world; make sure it’s inspiring.  Allow yourself more moments of awe and wonder and passion and grace.  Don’t let anyone’s ignorance, hate, drama or negativity stop you.  And don’t let them dim your light simply because it’s shining in their eyes.

If you desire to make a difference in the world, you must be different from the world.  Dare to walk alone, and don’t be scared to like it.

Love,

Jess