Bittersweet!

It wasn’t’ long ago that I had found myself in a place of spiritual suffering. Nothing in my life made sense, and the one person who had life talks with me was gone. It was extremely painful and dark for a couple of years.

After becoming so exhausted from the suffering, sadness, emptiness and hopelessness that I was experiencing. I started to explore life’s bigger questions. “What is my purpose?” “Who am I?” As I started to ask these questions, I quickly found myself researching and calling spiritual advisors, pastors and Buddha’s. I was desperate for spiritual life and was completely open to receiving guidance in whatever form that came to me. I just wanted to be freed from the hell I was living in.

Today, minutes before I walked into another un-known spiritual “interview”, with questions pertaining to my life, and questions about my mom, I became very anxious. I kept thinking really Jess, eight years later and you are going to sit and ask a stranger (a medium who came to me highly recommended) to help me with questions pertaining to moms death and life after all the dust settled. Yes, I sure am, I thought.. and I wiped my tears away, took a deep breath and walked into my appointment.

Let me start by saying this. I did not tell this woman anything about myself. She knew my first name and that was it. About one minute after sitting with her she let me know that my mom was with us. I instantly started to cry. The pain in my chest was so sharp… The next hour was very bittersweet and went a little something like this…..

My mom told me she was sorry that I went through such an ugly court battle after she died. And that she was proud of me for fighting the court for my sister. She also said that she is with my son at night snuggling him and talking to him, and that if we listened we could hear him talking at night. It was her and a grandpa that visits Kayson often. (Grandpa would be my husbands grandpa, which had a huge impact in his life) She commented on how beautiful his eyes are and how when he looks at you, you feel like he sees inside you. For anyone that knows my son… He has the most piercing and beautiful eyes. She told me that she spends a lot of time with me at my studio, and that the mirrors drive her crazy because they never stay clean.  Even though I was crying I also laughed because I am always telling my hubby no matter how much I wash the mirrors they never stay clean. She then proceeded to say that she was excited for me to go on my cruise. She was bouncing back and forth between that and Alaska. I am going on my best friends bachelorette cruise in a few weeks and we lived in Adak Alaska. You could only get to Adak by boat or plane. So we saw a lot of ships while living there. Interesting right? We discussed my siblings and daughter as well. A lot what shared during this time too. She even corrected me saying that she calls my daughter Bre and that she is with her often. She kept mentioning pink flowers and how she was at the zoo with us and loved how Kayson screamed when he saw the big cats.  She also shared that she was happy that I picked my husband. She said that she really likes him and that he loves me and protects me.  Two areas that I really am grateful to have found someone that truly does this for me. She also mentioned that he misses fire fighting and that he was struggling with the politics at work. She spoke about how her funeral was very busy and a lot of people attended. Telling me that she is ok with me spreading her remains. She also confirmed that she was happy that I had her picture at my wedding. (it was in my boutique of flowers) She also kept asking about LA and seemed excited about that. In eight weeks I travel to LA to compete and my theme wear is butterflies with angels, a symbolic way to celebrate her.  Everything that she shared was so specific to events, emotions and life for us right now.

Then Roxy the medium began to speak to me about my soul. She told me that the family issues I have experienced recently are not my problem and that I have not done anything to deserve the behaviors from these people. She continued by telling me that I do not need to fix the situation or own a place in them. She ended by saying she gives me permission to let go of the pain and responsibility to fix it. She confirmed that these people are choosing not to be a part of my sons life or our family. And, that it was time to let it go and move on. I felt so relieved hearing this. Because it has taken up so much energy these past few years trying to figure out how these people can say and act one way, yet completely be another. More so, how they have chosen to neglect my son and abandoned him because of the stories they continue to tell themselves and others. She then touched on my husband’s other son, which I won’t go into detail about because it’s not my place. But, I will say that she confirmed that life would come full circle and the truth would set him free soon.

My take away. For years I have wondered about the events that I have gone through after my mom’s death. I find closure in prayer, meditation and conversations with trusted friends and advisors. But deep down inside me. I needed to have closure to certain events.. Today I was given that. Again, very bittersweet.

My sister and I went through hell after my mom died. Not because of how we treated others but because of how they treated us. Everyone had opinions. Sadly, nobody was there to help us. I constantly told my sister, we will NOT respond to this hate. We will NOT participate in it. I told her we will keep our side of the street clean and walk through it with grace. And we did. My sister who is now 20 can tell you for herself, what this means to her and what kind of quality of life it has taught her. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have felt defeated while going through this. How many times I left work to go home, hit my knees and pray to a God I did not know or even understand while sobbing because of how scared and broken I felt. I needed strength and courage to show up and be a sister and mom even though I wanted to hide under my blankets in bed and never come out again.

Roxy my medium shared that she very rarely sees someone my age that does not have past Karma affecting their current space. Meaning that my side of the street is clean and that my life today is whatever I choose it to be. The universe will deliver to me whatever I ask. She went on to say that I need to be very specific about what my needs are. Although it felt good to hear her say this. I also know that I have spent and continue to spend a lot of time on personal development and spirituality. I know myself very well. I have owned, made amends and most importantly forgiven myself for past mistakes and choices made. I do not have any skeletons in my closet. I have learned that owning my experiences have actually made me very strong, and also helped so many others by doing so.

Now for this last part because I feel so strongly about what I’m going to say… Life is about experiences. It is NOT about what others tell you. Have your OWN experiences. Live and be from a place of TRUTH not a place of OPINIONS. If I could tell you how much bullshit I have heard, seen, and lived through based on the opinions of others concerning topics such as, my husband, marriage, family, kids, career, business, church, friends, hobbies, parenting, children, the car I drive, the house l live in, my wedding ring, where I got married.…. I have learned to live my life by EXPERINCES not OPINIONS. Because if I lived by the opinions of all these critics. I would not have my beautiful husband, business, children, love, happiness, financial freedom, success, health, spiritual balance and so much more. Just like today, I chose to have my own experience with Roxy. I was scared, anxious and uncertain. But, I realize that I deserve to see if this may be something I needed to experience for myself.  I once again realized,  I am not afraid to be me.  I love to explore uncertainties. I have a deep desire for truth, purpose and being.

Today I was empowered by my experience. Although parts are bittersweet. Perhaps I needed to have Roxy tell me today that my guardian angels (she confirmed that I have three) gave me permission to let  go of hate and chaos from outside influences. It is not my job to fix people or let them involve me in there personal pain. And, maybe I needed to be reminded that my life is mine to live as I choose. I gave myself permission to have and receive everything incredible and beautiful that I desire.

As we wrapped up my session, Roxy told me that my mom wants me to know that she loves me and is proud of me. I sobbed a little more.. Wiped my tears as I hugged her goodbye… What just happened I thought.  I met with my business coach right after, briefly told him of my experience and then stayed present for my meeting with him. Afterwards, I went home and loved on my son before I put him down for a nap. I checked on him moments later and found him laying with his hands in prayer asleep with his cross.

Another tear rolled down my cheek and I whispered, Amen!

Lesson of the day: Live in truth, be authentic and explore your spirituality, beliefs and emotions. Live and have your own experiences with life and people.

Love,
Jess