Sitting here for a minute, as I get ready to write you a
letter in heaven… I’ve immediately started to cry. I have the house to myself
tonight. I think I needed this time to be. I’m six months pregnant with your grandson.
I’ve cried several times realizing that you aren’t’ here to celebrate his
life with me. Driving to my doctors appt. last week had me in tears on the
50, wishing with every ounce of my soul that I could call you and talk to you
about Kayson. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with missing you.
Kayson is becoming very active, and responds to stimulation. I’m starting to feel connected to him, and not as scared or reserved as I was at the beginning. I’d be lying if I told you that this has been a wonderful experience. I feel scared sometimes and lonely. I find myself reflecting on my pregnancy with Brionna, and you’re in every memory. You stayed with me for two weeks before she arrived. You were so excited. Austin and sissy were crazy and little. I remember feeling so much better having you there with me. After Brionna arrived you had to leave the following day. I remember feeling scared and lonely then too. So many memories, so many mixed emotions.
This year Olivia and Austin graduate from high school. It’s
been rewarding raising sissy but also very challenging and at times very
heartbreaking. I can’t believe the chaos and pain we endured after you died. I
still have a heavy heart when I think of the pain that surfaced after your
death. Kayson is becoming very active, and responds to stimulation. I’m starting to feel connected to him, and not as scared or reserved as I was at the beginning. I’d be lying if I told you that this has been a wonderful experience. I feel scared sometimes and lonely. I find myself reflecting on my pregnancy with Brionna, and you’re in every memory. You stayed with me for two weeks before she arrived. You were so excited. Austin and sissy were crazy and little. I remember feeling so much better having you there with me. After Brionna arrived you had to leave the following day. I remember feeling scared and lonely then too. So many memories, so many mixed emotions.
I opened my own fitness and wellness studio a couple months ago. I wish you were here to see it. It’s a creation of missing you. I hope I can help others grow internally by having it.
I found a man that I love deeply, and someone that you’d be happy to have in our family. He's my soulmate and best friend. But, sometimes I feel like living thru my broken heart with you, makes me fear investing my heart into him. I relate your death to so much sadness, despair, hopelessness and deep pain. It scares me to ever have to experience that again. I’m working on walking in faith so that I can have the family I desire and deserve.
I read a letter to you in my journal this evening. I wrote it two months after you died. It made me feel awful. The confusion and heartbreak from your death lead me to a two year severe battle with depression. I didn’t think I’d make it through the pain. I actually recall numerous nights crying myself to sleep, exhausted and willingly giving up. Every morning that I woke up after, I became even more depressed at how sad and sunk in my heart was.
I'm now able to own the the loss I'm left with from losing you. I can express into words how confusing and scared I was to watch you lose your hair, your nails and you ur boobs. How devasting it was the day I came home from college to bring you and the babies grocieres because you didn't have any money. The deep pain I felt for you when you collapsed in my arms sobbing. I understand now, how scared you must have been. And how lonely you were. I had no idea that you knew the entire time you were dying yet you never told us. I admire your strength and courage mom... If I only truly knew.
It’s been six years since you left us. I’ve become wiser, stronger and filled with an endless amount of desire and determination. I have an overwhelming amount of love for my life, and the lives I’m connected to. It took a lot of losses to get here. It took me a lost relationship, devastating experiences with Brionna, a nasty court battle for custody of sissy, the loss of my hometown, losing your home to pay for the awful court battle, the loss of my own home… eventually, I lost me. Every single part of who I was, became unknown. Many nights I sat alone, in silence, heartbroken and scared.. I tried to numb my emotions. Nothing worked. Eventually, I started to pray. I didn’t even know to who. I just got down on my knees, and I prayed!
There was a time that I use to feel ashamed and embarrassed for grieving your death the way that I did. However, I became a part of several grief management groups, and everyone there was going thru the same emotions as me. It made me feel better knowing that I wasn’t the only one. Everyone who has judged my situation or had an opinion of how I should’ve handled my life, my home, my child and my family… Didn’t have their mother die in their arms… They didn’t hear their mom take her last breath! They didn’t witness young siblings and a daughter that wept in that very moment! It took me nearly three years to break free of that prison, others opinions put me in. GOD does it feel good to be on the other side.
I’ve been living in my home now for five years. We're getting ready to move out this month. It’s the first home I’ve had since you died. I call it my oasis. I’m actually having a really hard time letting this place go. It’s the only safe place I’ve had since you’ve been gone. I’ve filtered through so many emotions here. I’ve raised sissy here. I’ve rebounded here. I’ve built my life here! I’ve found my love here. I’ve created life here. I’ve had all the kids together here for the holidays, the first time since you’ve died. I’ve created a lot of firsts here.
I can feel this shift in my heart and spirit as I let sissy venture off on her own. I can’t help but think that God had this planned for my life, because he has blessed me with Kayson during this transition… I’ve spent nearly two hours writing this letter to you… I hope you know how much I love you. I can’t help but wonder how this affects Kayson, and if your love is already planted in his little heart.
I’m very grateful for a friend that helped me write my first letter to you a few years ago. It took me nearly two weeks to complete. We honored your birthday by going to Folsom Lake. One of the last places we were together before you died. We watched the babies play in the water.. We talked about life. It took me years to visit that place again. As a matter of fact, I attempted it many times but always ended up turning around and leaving because I started to cry. When Jess and I went there to read my letter to you, I could feel you. And the log you and I sat on was still there waiting for me. I sobbed reading the entire letter. That was the first time I actually felt like I got to say good-bye to you. I remember feeling better. I had so many things I needed to tell you and finally I had. I burnt the letter right after. I’ve taken sissy and Brionna to do the same thing…
It’s been six years since you left us. I’ve become wiser, stronger and filled with an endless amount of desire and determination. I have an overwhelming amount of love for my life, and the lives I’m connected to. It took a lot of losses to get here. It took me a lost relationship, devastating experiences with Brionna, a nasty court battle for custody of sissy, the loss of my hometown, losing your home to pay for the awful court battle, the loss of my own home… eventually, I lost me. Every single part of who I was, became unknown. Many nights I sat alone, in silence, heartbroken and scared.. I tried to numb my emotions. Nothing worked. Eventually, I started to pray. I didn’t even know to who. I just got down on my knees, and I prayed!
There was a time that I use to feel ashamed and embarrassed for grieving your death the way that I did. However, I became a part of several grief management groups, and everyone there was going thru the same emotions as me. It made me feel better knowing that I wasn’t the only one. Everyone who has judged my situation or had an opinion of how I should’ve handled my life, my home, my child and my family… Didn’t have their mother die in their arms… They didn’t hear their mom take her last breath! They didn’t witness young siblings and a daughter that wept in that very moment! It took me nearly three years to break free of that prison, others opinions put me in. GOD does it feel good to be on the other side.
I’ve been living in my home now for five years. We're getting ready to move out this month. It’s the first home I’ve had since you died. I call it my oasis. I’m actually having a really hard time letting this place go. It’s the only safe place I’ve had since you’ve been gone. I’ve filtered through so many emotions here. I’ve raised sissy here. I’ve rebounded here. I’ve built my life here! I’ve found my love here. I’ve created life here. I’ve had all the kids together here for the holidays, the first time since you’ve died. I’ve created a lot of firsts here.
I can feel this shift in my heart and spirit as I let sissy venture off on her own. I can’t help but think that God had this planned for my life, because he has blessed me with Kayson during this transition… I’ve spent nearly two hours writing this letter to you… I hope you know how much I love you. I can’t help but wonder how this affects Kayson, and if your love is already planted in his little heart.
I’m very grateful for a friend that helped me write my first letter to you a few years ago. It took me nearly two weeks to complete. We honored your birthday by going to Folsom Lake. One of the last places we were together before you died. We watched the babies play in the water.. We talked about life. It took me years to visit that place again. As a matter of fact, I attempted it many times but always ended up turning around and leaving because I started to cry. When Jess and I went there to read my letter to you, I could feel you. And the log you and I sat on was still there waiting for me. I sobbed reading the entire letter. That was the first time I actually felt like I got to say good-bye to you. I remember feeling better. I had so many things I needed to tell you and finally I had. I burnt the letter right after. I’ve taken sissy and Brionna to do the same thing…
Instead of going to the lake and reading a letter to you. I thought I’d share the process of what it has taken me to heal from losing you. In honor of your birthday and this letter to you. I hope that my honesty can save someone else from feeling alone, sad and hopeless. I Love you mom!
(holding moms hand when she was in a coma)
(My dad and mom)
(our final days with mom)
(sissy's senior picture)
(Tattoo's Olivia, Brionna and I got in honor of mom)
(Competing in memory of mom)
(moms death date on my costume for my fitness comp)
(Brandon and I in the valley, at my favorite spot growing up)
(my little brother's senior picture)
(My daughter)
Ps.... I've been working on sharing my story of overcoming depression in schools and large audiences... Manly because I need to keep you alive so that my heart will continue to heal and my spirit won't feel dead. We'll today that vision finally came to life. As I started to talk about you... I began to cry. In a full room of people and it became silent and uncomfortable. That is how deeply I love you and how deeply I still miss you. I finally feel like I found my voice... I stood there in complete silence with tears rushing down my cheeks minutes away from sobbing..I had a room full of people staring at me with tears in there eyes. I didn't feel sad, but I was overwhelmed with love. Kayson was kicking inside me, Brionna was sitting in front of me, my soulmate was sitting on the speaking panel with me and two of my close friends where sharing there story of overcoming too. I was in the moment and deeply touched to know, that out of all this pain and suffering a vision and dream was made... In that very moment, I was living it and feeling it all at once....
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