Dear Mom....

Sitting here for a minute, as I get ready to write you a letter in heaven… I’ve immediately started to cry. I have the house to myself tonight. I think I needed this time to be. I’m six months pregnant with your grandson. I’ve cried several times realizing that you aren’t’ here to celebrate his life with me. Driving to my doctors appt. last week had me in tears on the 50, wishing with every ounce of my soul that I could call you and talk to you about Kayson. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with missing you.

Kayson is becoming very active, and responds to stimulation. I’m starting to feel connected to him, and not as scared or reserved as I was at the beginning. I’d be lying if I told you that this has been a wonderful experience. I feel scared sometimes and lonely. I find myself reflecting on my pregnancy with Brionna, and you’re in every memory. You stayed with me for two weeks before she arrived. You were so excited. Austin and sissy were crazy and little. I remember feeling so much better having you there with me. After Brionna  arrived you had to leave the following day. I remember feeling scared and lonely then too. So many memories, so many mixed emotions.

This year Olivia and Austin graduate from high school. It’s been rewarding raising sissy but also very challenging and at times very heartbreaking. I can’t believe the chaos and pain we endured after you died. I still have a heavy heart when I think of the pain that surfaced after your death.

I opened my own fitness and wellness studio a couple months ago. I wish you were here to see it. It’s a creation of missing you. I hope I can help others grow internally by having it.

I found a man that I love deeply, and someone that you’d be happy to have in our family. He's my soulmate and best friend. But, sometimes I feel like living thru my broken heart with you, makes me fear investing my heart into him. I relate your death to so much sadness, despair, hopelessness and deep pain. It scares me to ever have to experience that again. I’m working on walking in faith so that I can have the family I desire and deserve.

I read a letter to you in my journal this evening. I wrote it two months after you died. It made me feel awful. The confusion and heartbreak from your death lead me to a two year severe battle with depression. I didn’t think I’d make it through the pain. I actually recall numerous nights crying myself to sleep, exhausted and willingly giving up. Every morning that I woke up after, I became even more depressed at how sad and sunk in my heart was.

I'm now able to own the the loss I'm left with from losing you. I can express into words how confusing and scared I was to watch you lose your hair, your nails and you ur boobs. How devasting it was the day I came home from college to bring you and the babies grocieres because you didn't have any money. The deep pain I felt for you when you collapsed in my arms sobbing. I understand now, how scared you must have been. And how lonely you were. I had no idea that you knew the entire time you were dying yet you never told us. I admire your strength and courage mom... If I only truly knew.

It’s been six years since you left us. I’ve become wiser, stronger and filled with an endless amount of desire and determination. I have an overwhelming amount of love for my life, and the lives I’m connected to. It took a lot of losses to get here. It took me a lost relationship, devastating experiences with Brionna, a nasty court battle for custody of sissy, the loss of my hometown, losing your home to pay for the awful court battle, the loss of my own home… eventually, I lost me. Every single part of who I was, became unknown. Many nights I sat alone, in silence, heartbroken and scared.. I tried to numb my emotions. Nothing worked.   Eventually, I started to pray. I didn’t even know to who. I just got down on my knees, and I prayed!

There was a time that I use to feel ashamed and embarrassed for grieving your death the way that I did. However, I became a part of several grief management groups, and everyone there was going thru the same emotions as me. It made me feel better knowing that I wasn’t the only one. Everyone who has judged my situation or had an opinion of how I should’ve handled my life, my home, my child and my family… Didn’t have their mother die in their arms… They didn’t hear their mom take her last breath! They didn’t witness young siblings and a daughter that wept in that very moment! It took me nearly three years to break free of that prison, others opinions put me in. GOD does it feel good to be on the other side.

I’ve been living in my home now for five years. We're getting ready to move out this month.  It’s the first home I’ve had since you died. I call it my oasis. I’m actually having a really hard time letting this place go. It’s the only safe place I’ve had since you’ve been gone. I’ve filtered through so many emotions here. I’ve raised sissy here. I’ve rebounded here. I’ve built my life here! I’ve found my love here. I’ve created life here. I’ve had all the kids together here for the holidays, the first time since you’ve died. I’ve created a lot of firsts here.

I can feel this shift in my heart and spirit as I let sissy venture off on her own. I can’t help but think that God had this planned for my life, because he has blessed me with Kayson during this transition… I’ve spent nearly two hours writing this letter to you… I hope you know how much I love you. I can’t help but wonder how this affects Kayson, and if your love is already planted in his little heart.
 
I’m very grateful for a friend that helped me write my first letter to you a few years ago. It took me nearly two weeks to complete. We honored your birthday by going to Folsom Lake. One of the last places we were together before you died. We watched the babies play in the water.. We talked about life. It took me years to visit that place again. As a matter of fact, I attempted it many times but always ended up turning around and leaving because I started to cry. When Jess and I went there to read my letter to you, I could feel you. And the log you and I sat on was still there waiting for me. I sobbed reading the entire letter. That was the first time I actually felt like I got to say good-bye to you.   I remember feeling better. I had so many things I needed to tell you and finally I had. I burnt the letter right after. I’ve taken sissy and Brionna to do the same thing… 

Instead of going to the lake and reading a letter to you. I thought I’d share the process of what it has taken me to heal from losing you. In honor of your birthday and this letter to you. I hope that my honesty can save someone else from feeling alone, sad and hopeless.  I Love you mom!

(holding moms hand when she was in a coma)

(My dad and mom)

(our final days with mom)

(sissy's senior picture)

(Tattoo's Olivia, Brionna and I got in honor of mom)

(Competing in memory of mom)

(moms death date on my costume for my fitness comp)

 

(Brandon and I in the valley, at my favorite spot growing up)

(my little brother's senior picture)

(My daughter)

Ps.... I've been working on sharing my story of overcoming depression in schools and large audiences... Manly because I need to keep you alive so that my heart will continue to heal and my spirit won't feel dead.  We'll today that vision finally came to life. As I started to talk about you... I began to cry. In a full room of people and it became silent and uncomfortable. That is how deeply I love you and how deeply I still miss you. I finally feel like I found my voice... I stood there in complete silence with tears rushing down my cheeks minutes away from sobbing..I had a room full of people staring at me with tears in there eyes. I didn't feel sad, but I was overwhelmed with love. Kayson was kicking inside me, Brionna was sitting in front of me, my soulmate was sitting on the speaking panel with me and two of my close friends where sharing there story of overcoming too. I was in the moment and deeply touched to know, that out of all this pain and suffering a vision and dream was made... In that very moment,  I was living it and feeling it all at once.... 

Belly Gone Wild............

My doctor appointment this week went great.. Baby is doing awesome, and growing…. Baby Kayson now weighs 2lbs and is about 14 inches.. This is comparable to a head of cauliflower. J

I gained 4lbs since my last doctor appt which means I’ve gained 15lbs to date. I’ll be 27 weeks tomorrow. The doctor told me he would like to see me gain between 8-10lbs from now until Kayson’s due date. Aiaiiaiaiaiiai. Kayson has officially gone wild in my belly. Little guy hardly ever stops moving. He also loves hibernating in my ribs and lower back. Not so fun at night time when I’m trying to sleep. I feel like he’s already creating his character and he defiantly  responds to stimulation… ie:  Daddy’s voice, warm showers, and granny smith apples.

Overall, I’m feeling a lot better now.. I’m not working so many hours (12-14 hours per day) so I’m able to focus on my new fitness and wellness studio, in addition to my workouts. I’m also able to rest a little more, which I certainly need.  The doc told me to get in five days of cardio.. So my focus is to accomplish that.

On a funny note, I’ve been FREAKING myself out lately by watching pregnancy videos online. Mainly because it’s late at night and typically when Brandon is working in the ER. I really want to call someone and debrief after I torture myself.. But instead I wait until Brandon comes home, and then I tell him how awful giving birth to a child looks. LOL.

Brandon couldn’t make my last doctors appt, as he was called into work. On my drive, I started to feel somewhat emotional. I’ve been reflecting a lot on where I’m at now vs. when I had my daughter and how dramatically different the two experiences are. My mom was a HUGE part of my pregnancy and daughters life. I suddenly found myself in tears driving down the 50. It was in that moment that I knew, my mom is still SO Missed. For anyone that has lost someone, I’m sure you can relate. It’s hard to talk about losing someone when a few years have passed. I feel like I’m supposed to be over the pain. The reality for me, is that sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday. I can’t help but wonder how happy she would be to have a grandson on the way. I also couldn’t help the tears that flowed, simply because it’s scary going thru this without her.

On another note, I’ve been very focused on my studio and how I can create a business that helps the wellness of others. That’s my passion. Offering guided meditation has been successful and is growing. I’ve also been able to film the trailer for a series that I’ll be speaking on called, “I Am Me.” I’m really excited to see this vision come to life with two amazing and dynamite friends Emily Campoy and Erin Kalte. I can’t wait to share the series with all of you.

Every week during training I give motivational cards to my clients and we share them amongst each other. I also give a daily spiritual workout for them as we finish our training sessions.. It’s been very awesome to see the mental and spiritual growth within, by doing this.

With that I said, I’d like to wrap this blog up with a positive thought to help you all kick off your work week!

I encourage everyone reading this; work to create a life that feels right to YOU, not one that looks right to everyone else.  Your worst inner battle will always be between what you know and what you feel.  One of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make is when to stay put and try harder or when to just take your memories and move on.  Sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you are capable of being, and the person you truly are.

Your life is your message to the world; make sure it’s inspiring.  Allow yourself more moments of awe and wonder and passion and grace.  Don’t let anyone’s ignorance, hate, drama or negativity stop you.  And don’t let them dim your light simply because it’s shining in their eyes.

If you desire to make a difference in the world, you must be different from the world.  Dare to walk alone, and don’t be scared to like it.

Love,

Jess

 

 

 

Oh Boy oh Boy!!

The title says it all. I’m having a baby boy. Very excited to experience the relationship that a mom and son have…

In the last month my belly has popped and I’m certainly feeling preggo. I remember thinking; I can’t wait until I have a stomach, so people don’t look at me and think I’m fat. Now, I can’t wait for my baby boy to arrive because he’s killing my back and joints. Lol

My last doctor appointment didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I gained 5lbs in 4 weeks. (Was out of town on travel for a week) The doctor advised me that I’m at higher risk for a C-section, if I was to continue on with the weight gain. He knows my goal of competing three months after Kayson is due.  Which is why he talked to me about the weight gain.. We reviewed my weight gain overall after learning this. I started at 127 5.5 months ago. I’m at 138 now.  So, in the past five months I have gained 11 lbs. He wants me to gain between 20-25… As you can see, I’m right where I’m suppose to be. My current body fat is 25%.

My workouts are pretty inconsistent for the most part. I get a solid four workouts in a week, but sometimes it may just be cardio based on my energy. Today’s workouts consisted of;

30 minutes on elliptical with various inclines followed up with 15 minutes on the bike with a consistent speed.

1.       Incline barbell press: 3 sets, 8-10 reps.

2.       Flat dumbbell fly: 3 sets, 10-15 reps.

3.       Cable cross-over: 3 sets, 20-25 reps.

4.       Military Press: 3 sets, 8-10 reps.

5.       Seated Side lateral Raises: 3 sets, 10- 15 reps.

6.       Reverse Fly: 3 sets, 20-25 reps.

7.       Close Grip Bench press: 3 sets, 8-10 reps.

8.       Overhead dumbbell extensions: 3 sets, 10-15 reps.

9.       Pushdowns: 3 sets, 20-25 reps.

This workout kicked my bootay! I’m really looking forward to training again with intensity.

In my last ultra sound Kayson was a little under 12 inches long and weighed a little over a pound. (comparable to a  large mango).  He’s VERY active and definitely responds to stimulation… Like the sound of his Daddy’s and my voice. He also responds to sugar… Literally flips out! Granny Smith apples are a hit.

In the mix of being fully preggo, I’m very excited to have opened my own fitness and wellness studio. It has been a long time coming. My vision is very clear on what I want to create in my community. Especially on how I want to give back. It’s really awesome to see my vision come to life.  I’m also very grateful for my other business. “Wink Marketing.” I’m contracted into a mortgage firm in Roseville, and I absolutely love some of the people I get to spend my day with. I’m continuing to grow as a business professional, and I love the opportunity that brings for me and my family.

In addition to all this fun and amazing growth, I’m very very excited to share that I finally will be speaking in public high schools. My first school is in Chico, CA.  Next week I get to share my story with hundreds of high school students. I’m very excited to share my story with a younger generation. As, my story really began in high school as a teenage mom.

I’ve experienced some hardships in the last couple weeks. Overcoming opinions of what others think of my life and how I live it. Who I’m together with and how awesome our love is. My business, my team, my family and home. I’ll never understand, especially at this age, why people waste energy on trying to bring others down.  The negativity, dishonesty and focus that go into creating so much drama baffles me. My coaches and mentors always remind me… The more success you have, the more you are in the spot light, the more available you are to critics and jealousy.  However, the awesome thing about being present in my life is that my love, my passion and my dreams are real. I’ll continue to develop and grow, love and teach.   I’ll end this by saying this. You can’t airbrush personality. And some people just have an ugly personality.

 

 

 

 

It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.

Love,

Jess

Elephants are pregnant for two years........... HOLY MOLY!

Half way………..PHEW!

Thank goodness the holidays are over… I’m ready to get back to biz and start working towards my vision for 2014. Over the past week my belly did a little “peak a boo.” Literally, ballooned overnight. I have to admit.. It kinda freaks me out when I see my tummy in the mirror. I thought that I would look like this at nine months, not five months. Hopeful thinking right.

I’m proud to say that I’ve been able to keep consistency with my workouts. 

Here’s what today’s workout was:

30 minutes elliptical

300 sit ups

Squats on Smith machine 4x 15 (2) 25 plates

Standing lunges 10lbs 15x3 on each leg

Shuffles side to side 25x3

Glute machine 15 on each leg 4x @40lbs

Leg curl 15x4 @30lbs

Leg Extension 50lbs 4x

My current weight is 131lbs. I’ve gained six pounds over the past five and a half months. The doctor would like me to put on a minimum of 25lbs by my due date.

My consistency with my workouts hasn’t been up to par. Balance is my biggest weakness right now.  I own two businesses which both consume at least 12-14 hours of my physical presence. So, finding the time for my own workout has been somewhat of a challenge.  I do get at least three workouts in a week though.

Nutrition. Man, this one is so tough for me. Food and I just aren’t friends. I get a little discouraged when it comes to eating. I’ve been so disciplined for so long, so not being able to stay consistent with my meals is mentally exhausting.  In my next blog I’ll share who I’ve partnered with, to help keep me on track and accountable to my vision and fitness goals.

Belly Laughs.. Count your blessings! (I had to share because I found this freaking hilarious)

-The penis of a rhinoceros is 2 feet long

-The penis of a mosquito is a hundredth of an inch long

-The praying mantis bites her mate’s head off while he impregnates her.

-Elephants are pregnant for two years

-Many animals give birth to a dozen or more babies at a time

****Check back in this week as I’ll reveal what I’m having. BOY OR GIRL???

To end this blog on a funny but serious note…. Don’t ever try and tell a pregnant woman that being hungry isn’t an emotion, because I feel that shit in my SOUL!!

Love,

Jess

                                                      I still have baby abs :)

 

 

selfie in the gym

                                                         OVERNIGHT..WAAAALAA

 

Wowzas……… Christmas is over and I have a belly full of love and life!

Today Brandon and I went on a walk around our house. For those of you who don’t know our love story, I’m excited to share it with you. I believe everyone wishes for true love. Deep down, we want to find the person GOD designed for us. Along our quest to love we bump into some people along the way. Sometimes our mind tells us that we love them, when we really don’t, we’re just feeling “lonely.” Or sometimes, we simply just pick a bad one… Whatever the case may be, when we’re picking who we think fits our life, it typically doesn’t work out.

For the past three years I have been working with my spiritual coach on self-development,  self-acceptance and self-love. With the passing of my mother and raising my sister, I learned quickly that I needed to have a support system in place for myself, my home and most importantly my desires and dreams. One thing that I knew about myself is that I wanted the opportunity to have a family. I wanted to experience love and I wanted to find a partner to share the journey with. That all sounds amazing, but I had no idea that I was in control of how I manifested that in my life. So after one failed relationship to the next, I continued to question why I wasn’t attracting the man of my dreams? What I was about to learn had me feeling completely lost and somewhat depressed.

My spiritual coach asked me to write a letter that described what my future husband looked like, SOUNDED like, how his hands looked, how he made me feel, what his job was… and the list went on and on. I immediately became puzzled at what seemed to be a crazy writing assignment! None the less, I was willing to do what was asked of me. So, I went home and over the next few weeks wrote this somewhat awkward letter to a man that didn’t exists about my desires and needs.  The process was somewhat heartbreaking and certainly made me cry. I was attracting the wrong people, because I never truly had a vision for what I wanted.  And what I wanted, seemed a little “fairytaleish.”

My life consists of my sister and daughter, training, my career, friends, community, giving back, being of service and self-development. Anything outside of that doesn’t exist in my bubble. Therefore, meeting men is not exactly easy. And, Sacramento has an icky way of passing it’s people around to one another, and everyone seems to be caught up in the party life… Which didn’t fit into my life. In essence, I kinda felt like I landed in the wrong city and state for that matter.  

The magic….. So, I’ve now completed my letter to my future husband, forgave myself for picking not so good men and also honoring the ones that were awesome.  Then, I just let it be! I spend a lot of time at home. I call it my little oasis. It’s peaceful and I don’t feel like I’m in Sacramento. One day as I was sitting outside I heard a man’s voice… Yes, I said I heard a man’s voice. BIG deal your thinking. To me, it was. I never responded to a person’s voice. I sat there unable to see this man, but was very intrigued by his voice. Months passed, I never saw him or met him. I heard him a few times at the pool and would jokingly tell my girls,  “My husband is at the pool.” We’d giggle, peak out to see if we could see him and then go back to whatever it was we were doing. Over the course of the year, I would talk about him with my spiritual coach. Listen to him and quietly smile and giggle every time I’d tell the girls I heard him.  After almost a year of this… our paths crossed. I immediately text my spiritual coach and shared that I had finally met my husband…

The days, weeks and months that followed our first hello have turned out to be everything I ever wanted and desired. He is the man that I designed in my journal, which I manifested in my life.

Patience is a virtue but faith is a must. You must have faith and trust in your ability to achieve and live your wildest dreams. If you sit still long enough to feel, you can create and visualize what you desire in your life. I am now living a fairytale with the man of my dreams. I’m deeply excited for our baby our future and for the opportunity to continue to visualize and manifest my wildest dreams. God is good!!!

A true love story.

Love,

Jess

Shhhhhhhhhh, let's take this all in!

It’s been 17 years since I had my daughter. It’s been six years since I lost my mother. It’s frightening to realize both. My mother was a huge role in my life and my daughter’s life. She helped me figure out how to be a mom, when I had no idea what the hell I was doing. My mom is the success behind my daughter learning how to wear big girl panties, and why binkies had to go bye bye. She was so awesome at being a grandma. She was also my strength, when I didn’t have my own.. And she never doubted my abilities to be me. I miss that… a lot!

I pulled out my journal a couple nights ago and started to read some entries from college. I feel like I was reading about someone else’s life. It was pretty crazy. Beings that I was only 17 when I had my daughter, I by no means was able to be present and experience her birth and motherhood like I will be able to do now. I feel more scared now than I do back then… When I was 17 I had no idea what to expect. I just went thru the motions. 17 years later, I’m full of life experience and motherhood. I expect that some of my worry comes from knowing that it can be super challenging and difficult being a mom. But then again, I’ve been a single mom and sole provider for my family the entire time, and that in itself is a challenge.

I’d like to think that most women can relate to this. Finding out you’re pregnant brings an assortment of emotions to surface. From excitement to fear and everything in between. For me, I needed to take time and absorb this new beginning for me. Because honestly, I didn’t foresee any babies in my future.. I was saving my money to travel the world after my sister and daughter graduated high school. Which means in the next year, I was going to leave the country and experience life in other parts of the world. I also found myself questioning my abilities to be a “mommy” again. Being so young my first time brought lot’s of trials and errors to my motherly journey. It also brought a lot of opinions and critics from people who were not mothers at the time, or had no idea what my story was or my background! I struggled with that for a long time. In my mind and my heart, I believe that I did awesome. Today, that is the only thing that truly matters. Me accepting my experience as my own, without the doubters, non-believers and Debbie downers.

It’s funny how we can map out our lives, put timelines and plans to it. Then God shows up and shows us his plans; and for me his plan is dramatically different! 

So, five months later grounded happy and excited, I decided to share my story with all of you.

<3 Jess

Stage.......... and pregnancy.. Holy Moly...

The official announcement has been made.. THANK GOODNESS.. The past few months have been so hard not sharing the exciting news about the baby! From a physical and mental state it’s been hard because I see my body changing, regardless if the changes are small.. I’m changing. So, it’s a little uncomfortable being in the gym or public for that matter and wondering if people think I’m just gaining weight or what…

Let’s catch you all up a little… I found out I was preggo three days after I competed for the Fitness World Championship in Vegas on Aug 22^nd.. In a way, I felt relieved when the doctor told me the exciting news.. Because, I was being extremely hard on myself for not being able to figure out my water weight.. I was so friggin disappointed that I didn’t master the process…. The purpose for my doctors appt initially was to get my blood panels checked.. I was feeling pretty icky and my body wasn’t responding to ANYTHING… It all makes perfect sense now… My body was trying to tell me that a little baby was growing. Good thing I’m an ALL natural athlete. I don’t drink, smoke or put anything in my body that doesn’t belong in it… Well sometimes maybe a FroYo… HA

 Here’s a few pix of me on stage in Vegas… Crazy to think that I’m preggo.. Even crazier is that I’m going to attempt stepping back on stage three month after my baby is born…

 Welcome to my adventure of being fit, sexy, healthy, strong, a business woman, an entrepreneur, a

coach and mother… The journey is the balance of the beautiful elements I call my LIFE..

xo