Shhhhhhhhhh, let's take this all in!

It’s been 17 years since I had my daughter. It’s been six years since I lost my mother. It’s frightening to realize both. My mother was a huge role in my life and my daughter’s life. She helped me figure out how to be a mom, when I had no idea what the hell I was doing. My mom is the success behind my daughter learning how to wear big girl panties, and why binkies had to go bye bye. She was so awesome at being a grandma. She was also my strength, when I didn’t have my own.. And she never doubted my abilities to be me. I miss that… a lot!

I pulled out my journal a couple nights ago and started to read some entries from college. I feel like I was reading about someone else’s life. It was pretty crazy. Beings that I was only 17 when I had my daughter, I by no means was able to be present and experience her birth and motherhood like I will be able to do now. I feel more scared now than I do back then… When I was 17 I had no idea what to expect. I just went thru the motions. 17 years later, I’m full of life experience and motherhood. I expect that some of my worry comes from knowing that it can be super challenging and difficult being a mom. But then again, I’ve been a single mom and sole provider for my family the entire time, and that in itself is a challenge.

I’d like to think that most women can relate to this. Finding out you’re pregnant brings an assortment of emotions to surface. From excitement to fear and everything in between. For me, I needed to take time and absorb this new beginning for me. Because honestly, I didn’t foresee any babies in my future.. I was saving my money to travel the world after my sister and daughter graduated high school. Which means in the next year, I was going to leave the country and experience life in other parts of the world. I also found myself questioning my abilities to be a “mommy” again. Being so young my first time brought lot’s of trials and errors to my motherly journey. It also brought a lot of opinions and critics from people who were not mothers at the time, or had no idea what my story was or my background! I struggled with that for a long time. In my mind and my heart, I believe that I did awesome. Today, that is the only thing that truly matters. Me accepting my experience as my own, without the doubters, non-believers and Debbie downers.

It’s funny how we can map out our lives, put timelines and plans to it. Then God shows up and shows us his plans; and for me his plan is dramatically different! 

So, five months later grounded happy and excited, I decided to share my story with all of you.

<3 Jess