Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Then, one day, she decided to design a life she loved. ♥
Two years, damn. It's so awesome to realize that I havent' drank in over two years. I read thru some of my writings over the past two years and it made me teary eyed... I've changed so much. My heart, my spirit, my confidence. Two years ago I was so out of it mentally and spiritually. I was literally just a shell. I would try and control my drinking to a few glasses of wine a night, those two glasses lead me to tears and heart ache every time. It was the most terrible feeling. I remember feeling scared, so friggin scared inside. God, those mornings were the worst. The way I felt inside my soul was literally like death was slowly settling in. I remember, crying because I didn't understand how or why I felt the way I did. Nobody else around me appeared to be suffering. I'd have flashes of my mother go thru my mind, which felt like a sword also went thru my soul. As soon as her image entered my mind, I was an emotional wreck. The tears and fears always started to surface when this happened. I would panic because my baby brother and sister had been ripped out of my life. My daughter was angry because she witnessed my suffering and her heart was broken over the loss of her grandma.. Every single emotion that I never ever wanted to feel would show up when I partied, it was so horrible. Today however things are different. I'm really proud of myself as I sit here and reflect on my journey these past couple of years. This relationship that I have with the big G is so amazing. He's taught me to trust, something that is very hard for me to do. He's given me the ability to trust myself and the confidence to know that I've got this thing we call life. Over the past two years I was able to finally say good bye to my mother, get full guardianship of my sister, and deal with my mothers estate. Thru my self realization, I no longer feel scared and alone. The Big G has entered my heart and held my hand. When suffering entered my body, he gave me the calmness and courage to handle my demons. I don't panic anymore, I don't have break downs, I don't feel scared. For the most part I feel present, and alive. My dreams have come back and so has my hope. I'm available for others because I take care of me. I've learned my boundaries and I try hard to stay true to those feel good places. I'm truthful in my words and actions. I don't care if you like me or not because I love me. It's so awesome to be free from the feelings that kept me locked up for nearly 30 years. For anyone that may read this who can relate... if you're suffering right now I would encourage you to find Jesus. Hit your knees and pray. Keep leaning on him and trusting him. Your life will change...... Mine did!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
I rebuilt my home on a foundation of Dreams!
18 more days until I finally hit the stage and showcase my
HARD work.. I can honestly say that when I embarked on this adventure to
becoming the next Fitness Pro with The WBFF, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
My life has always been busy, but the past six months have been insane. I’ve
found myself constantly questioning my motives, my intentions, my desires, my
fears, my willingness to do WHATEVER it takes to get my physique in perfect
shape.
HOWEVER, whatever it takes has been an internal battle over
the past six weeks. The closer that I get to show time, the more my heart aches
to be in the gym training with my coach and teammates. However, I have a full
time career in radio, which is fast paced, stressful and a very demanding environment.
So, my workouts with my team are literally an hour, and then I’m back in the
fast lane. Then I hit the gym on my own
for cardio… Along with my 50+ work
weeks, I’m raising my little sister (16) and I have my daughter who’s (14). Yes, I have TWO teenage girls! Our lives are
nothing short of OUTRAGEOUS!
Many people ask why? That’s a very complex question, that I’m
going to answer simply. We lost my mother to breast cancer. After experiencing
severe depression and lost motivation. I needed to prove to myself that I could do this. So, in 2011 I
decided that I was going to train for a fitness competition. Thankfully God placed my amazing coach Doug
Casebier in my path. He also, lead me to my wonderful sponsor West Coast Nutrition
Roseville. Without the support from both of them, this journey would have been
nearly IMPOSSIBLE.
April 28th is right around the corner. My
passport has arrived, my plane ticket has been purchased, my hotel is book’d, my suits are completed and my team wear is
going to IMPRESS the judges.. After all the tears, sweat and sacrifice, I’m
honored that I will be able to share my journey with The WBFF and the amazing
people who’ve been following me on my journey.
My ultimate goal is to share my story of a family that has
overcome heartbreak with the loss of our mother, and rebuilt our home on a foundation of
Dreams!
Much Love to you all,
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
My thirsty spirit lead me to meditation. YUM!
I don’t even know where to start from the last time I posted on here. Things are moving so quickly in my life right now. I’m currently 8.5 weeks out from my show in Quebec Canada. I started my new job with CBS Sacramento and I’m also managing my own business focused on Social Media Marketing. In addition to raising my girls and the daily adventures of raising teenage girls bring… Sometimes, I can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed..
It’s so important for me to strive for balance in my life. I know that life is never fully balanced, but I want to be grounded body, mind and spirit.. At this point in my life I’m thirsty for food that fuels my spirit. With that has come a lot of letting go and getting rid of. It’s absolutely baffling to me, how many un-healthy relationships, habits, and simple things that I did on a regular bases that was so ICKY for my spirit.. Crazier than realizing it, was the craziness that letting people go created. Growing can be painful sometimes, especially when you’re letting go of the pain. If that makes any sense at all. lol
If you can imagine this past weekend left me feeling pretty run down. Training is pretty intense combined with the strict diet and long days…. You can only go FAST for so long before you come to a soaring STOP.. I decided it was time to revamp the batteries and attend my second mediation class. So, after boot camp with my teammates and coach, I rushed to a 2 hour meditation workshop to accomplish quieting my mind. Unfortunately, my friggin mind was running at full throttle and it was hard to get her still. The workshop was amazing in every aspect; the sad part is my realization that this was the first time in months where I sat down and just let myself be. No demands of my job, kids, family, training, home, relationship, friends…. Just two hours of internal reflection. Let’s just say the voice inside was screaming at me.
What do you do when your inner voice is screaming? Figure out why she’s screaming so damn loud. I immediately reached out to my spiritual advisor after mediation was complete, and asked if I could have her time 1:1. Thankfully, I start this internal learning process and growth with an amazing advisor. I’m really excited to learn life tools on how to channel negative energy and thoughts. And how to facilitate and nurture dreams and growth. I believe when I get my mind quiet and my spirit aligned my inner voice will be whispering loving words. I also believe that my dreams will come true.
In the meantime, I will continue moving forward on this journey to the WBFF. I hope that I’m able to accomplish my goal of winning my pro card. I’m even more excited to chase my bigger dreams that start with this stepping stone. Something inside me tells me that I have a powerful message to share with the world. The exciting part is I’m present in the journey on how I share it.
Here’s to quieting the mind and accomplishing dreams.
~Jess
AFTER A LONG DAY!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
When in Doubt………..Follow your heart and shut off your mind!
Phhhhhhhhewwww. 11 weeks til Quebec Canada.. I’m so excited,
and overwhelmed. I’m finding it really difficult training twice a day, working
8-10 hours and taking care of my family. The emotional high and lows of my day
are pretty crazy as well. Today for instance, started with a team huddle
required by Coach… All of us had to be at the gym at 5:15a… That meant waking
up at 4:00a for me. L
Is it worth it… YES… But, it does take a lot of dedication, focus and
determination to stay the course.
I started my new job with CBS three weeks ago. I love being
in radio, but boy oh boy do I have my work cut out for me. In a perfect world I
wish I could just train my heart out for the next 11 weeks and then come back
to reality. I’m a little envious of the girls that get to do that. However, my
story and journey is about overcoming… and my hope is to motivate and inspire
those women who feel like they simply don’t have enough time.. Single moms
especially!
I’ve found myself filtering thru a lot lately. The further
into my training and dieting the less I’m capable of taking on. Especially,
negativity. I’m super sensitive to it. It doesn’t surround my world too much,
but there are certainly a few people who’ve GOT TO GO! I swear, the more you develop
your physical form into what your heart desires, the more you get people who
tell you you can’t, you won’t, or subject you to a world where others are
constantly judging you. This is what happens when others don’t follow their
hearts desires and dreams. They unconsciously participate in trying to ruin
yours. Pretty sad if ya think about it. This
is the realization of a powerful person… When you believe with everything you
are, that you are capable of living your wildest dream, you will. Nothing can
stop a heart with a burning desire.
As I prepare for this beautiful but crazy adventure, I can’t
help but to feel a little mixed on how I feel. Instead of staying in my head
and listening to doubt, I’m choosing to follow my heart!
Quebec Canada, here I come!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Physically Fit Made Me Spiritually Fit
I found myself in a slump because of situations out of my control.
I felt like I had hit the ultimate low point in my life.
I just wanted to feel better and reduce stress. I wanted to reconnect with myself and love myself.
We all know the benefits of working out for our bodies. But do you realize the benefits it provides to our mind and spirit? I once read. “A Vigorous 5 mile walk will do more good for an un-happy, but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.” Paul Dudley American physician and cardiologist. No wonder why training to the extreme changes my entire being.
In the past few years I have experienced an overwhelming amount of transitions. With the recent death of my mother and the responsibility of raising my 15 year old sister, my life changed quickly. As a result my spiritual world shut down, which lead to a collapse of my physical world. In the past, I had always exercised, yet over the past four years, I’d been so consumed with sadness, chaos of losing my mom, the stress of my career and the challenges of raising two teenage girls. I simply stopped doing the one thing I loved. .. working out. In September of 2011, I crossed paths with my coach Doug Casiber. On that same day, I made a promise to myself that I’d compete in 2012 with the WBFF.
Since September, I’ve attended training with my coach consistently. Our workouts turned out to be dramatic support for the changes before me, and helped me manage the daily ups and downs of life. My coach is one of the most enthusiastic, down to earth, motivational people I have ever known. As he trained me, I found myself following every movement as he spoke words of hope to me.
“You are not defined by where you are now, but by the path you are taking.” He’d say when I’d be exhausted from the double day workouts.
“Get rid of all negativity,” he insisted, urging me to push harder and lift heavier than I thought possible.
“Do NOT quit,” he would shout as I lay exhausted on the floor.
Do you know how many times I cried after leaving training? At times I would wear my hat low to hide the tears of an alligator. For some reason training brought up memories; the day my daughter was born, the day my mother died... Training also brings up my fears. My fear that life was moving quickly, and I needed to get back on board.
At that time, everything seemed so overwhelming. But, I knew that God was in control of my endeavors. After all he had brought me to this coach, and this coach lit the fire in me to compete again.
When I looked around me in the gym, I saw others struggling too. A guy who had just filtered thru major betrayal of friends, another who was living thru a rocky marriage, and a woman who was fighting for her life free of cancer. I also noticed that with every squat, push up, and step up I could tell their strength was increased, and so was their happiness. Just as mine had been.
As I have stayed strong and consistent in my training, my stress level has melted away. With each training session I learn more about me, and I feel stronger, healthier and happier. By getting back to the gym and training vigorously for my competition, I have a renewed sense of strength and purpose. I’m able to adapt more easily to my ever changing circumstances. Most importantly, I’m a better mother, sister and friend.
In essence, make time for regular physical exercise. If you’re anything like me you’re time deprived, right? Shoot we all are. Treat your training like an appointment. Write it on your calendar, type it into your phone, and you’ll be more likely to accomplish your health and wellness goals. Find a team to train with. It’s priceless to have the support from a team.
So what’s on the agenda for 2012? We’ll I’m excited to hit the stage as a WBFF fitness competitor and model. I’m thankful for the balance that I’ve learned along the way. There are a lot of things that I’m working thru in my training both physically and spiritually. But, for now let’s keep my vision for 2012 simple. I’ll start with accomplishing my Diva Fitness Pro card on April 28th, and then I’ll focus on becoming the Diva Fitness Model World Champ. BOOM.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Crazy GOOD!
This day has been crazy busy, as my days usually are. Started the day off with a great training sesh with my TBA teammate Liz, and our Coach Doug…. He had us working on the details today… My legs were on fire… My brother and daughter joined us too… I love when they workout with me too.. I see little champions in the making… And I don’t mean that directed towards the fitness industry.. I mean in general.. They’re pretty awesome people.
So, the exciting part of my day. I have been working very hard on finding some companies to partner with and Sponsor me for my 2012 competition year. After several conversations, I was able to meet with the owners of a great establishment here in Sacramento… I then was able to get them to meet with my coach and I this afternoon… The meeting went AWESOME…. However, nothing was finalized when we departed. My coach and Nikki carried the conversation on as they traveled over to Nikki’s store. I scrambled to pick up my lil sister from school, and was full of excitement as I awaited a follow up call. Directly after taking the kiddos home, I was already in a conference call with one of my teammates Keri, talking about marketing concepts and how we can help our teammates get their name branded in the fitness community. I love my talks with Keri, she’s a go getter, and very business savy… In the middle of our conversation one of my old managers was calling on the other line. When I was done talking to Keri I called him back immediately… He called to see how I was, and shared with me some things that I needed to hear at the exact moment. He told me that I was awesome, and that I’m an asset for the people I work with and thru. Crazy how God will make our phones ring at the most random moments, with the one person who can deliver a message that we EXACTLY need!!! Today, I learn to say thank you and acknowledge these wonderful blessings…
By this time, I’m running 10 minutes behind my meeting with my business partner.. HOLY MOLY.. I’m exhausted by now! (Did I mention that I’m living off bell peppers, egg whites, and chicken for my photo shoot with Noel Daganta on Jan 15) http://www.facebook.com/#!/daganta.. So, back to business. I’ve got my business partner ready to roll out some web designs for our new company that we started about two weeks ago.. “Wink Marketing” http://www.teamwink.com/ We’re crazy busy already…. Sitting there, I felt so grateful again… We knock out three hours of work, and then I’m off and running back to the kiddos to cook dinner.. We sit down to eat, and I begin to feel a little sadness come on, as it’s my last night with my little brother. In my home we sit down at the dining table when we eat, and before our meals everyone shares what they’re thankful for… Of course, I show gratitude for the time we’ve had with my brother.. Immediately, I can see everyone’s heart sink… UGH!! The kids each share what they’re thankful for… Again, I’m feeling an overwhelming since of peace and gratitude for my life, and for this time I have with my kids. (daughter, sister, brother)
Note, I’m still re-visiting my sponsorship opportunity and with this company in my head… I’m now going crazy with the anticipation.. TICK TOCK ALREADY!
I end the night by attending a spiritual group that I always do on Thursdays. I was able to see some new faces, which I was excited about. I always leave feeling like God went into my heart and gave her a big kiss…
On my way home… GUESS WHAT.. I see that I have voicemail… It’s confirmed I have an official sponsor for my 2012 competition year… So, I start singing on the car ride home.. “ I’m so excited, I just can’t hide it, I’m about to lose control and I think I like it.” By this time I’m pretty sure my daughter thinks I’ve lost it.. I can’t wait to make the official announcement tomorrow….
Crazy GOOD.. That’s how I’ll sum up this day! I wish it wasn’t so late.. I want to call someone and tell them..
Good night… xoox
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