Then, one day, she decided to design a life she loved. ♥

Two years, damn. It's so awesome to realize that I havent' drank in over two years. I read thru some of my writings over the past two years and it made me teary eyed... I've changed so much. My heart, my spirit, my confidence. Two years ago I was so out of it mentally and spiritually. I was literally just a shell. I would try and control my drinking to a few glasses of wine a night, those two glasses lead me to tears and heart ache every time. It was the most terrible feeling. I remember feeling scared, so friggin scared inside.  God, those mornings were the worst. The way I felt inside my soul was literally like death was slowly settling in. I remember, crying because I didn't understand how or why I felt the way I did. Nobody else around me appeared to be suffering. I'd have flashes of my mother go thru my mind, which felt like a sword also went thru my soul. As soon as her image entered my mind, I was an emotional wreck. The tears and fears always started to surface when this happened. I would panic because my baby brother and sister had been ripped out of my life. My daughter was angry because she witnessed my suffering and her heart was broken over the loss of her grandma.. Every single emotion that I never ever wanted to feel would show up when I partied, it was so horrible. Today however things are different. I'm really proud of myself as I sit here and reflect on my journey these past couple of years. This relationship that I have with the big G is so amazing. He's taught me to trust, something that is very hard for me to do. He's given me the ability to trust myself and the confidence to know that I've got this thing we call life. Over the past two years I was able to finally say good bye to my mother, get full guardianship of my sister, and deal with my mothers estate. Thru my self realization, I no longer feel scared and alone. The Big G has entered my heart and held my hand. When suffering entered my body, he gave me the calmness and courage to handle my demons. I don't panic anymore, I don't have break downs, I don't feel scared. For the most part I feel present, and alive. My dreams have come back and so has my hope. I'm available for others because I take care of me. I've learned my boundaries and I try hard to stay true to those feel good places. I'm truthful in my words and actions. I don't care if you like me or not because I love me. It's so awesome to be free from the feelings that kept me locked up for nearly 30 years. For anyone that may read this who can relate... if you're suffering right now I would encourage you to find Jesus. Hit your knees and pray. Keep leaning on him and trusting him. Your life will change...... Mine did!